Sunday, October 31, 2010

Apples and Grapes

Women are like apples…..

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree and select them.

Now Men......
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Aussie Traditions...The BBQ

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and Barbecue season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbecue, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Barbecue Routine
The woman buys the food.
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all: barbeque jokes
Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

They tell good old Aussie barbie jokes like:
Question: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer: A stick.

The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Prayers for everyone


Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man, who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong.One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,Knows when to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,And always be my very best friend.


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Payback Time

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What did God say after she created man?
“I can do so much better”.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?
A man will go looking for a golf ball.

..and remember: marriage is grand
…divorce is twenty grand!


Sunday, October 17, 2010

But I'm only joking!

Don’t upset your wife

A Police Officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir".

The driver says, "Gee, Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating".

Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says:

"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control".

As the Officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did".

As the Officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The Officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine".

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see Officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket".
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving".

And as the Police Officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The Officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?".

"Only when he's been drinking, Officer."

The talking Frog

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nahhhhhhh....., at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Now I'm in trouble!

Disclaimer: I have, and will continue to post many anti-male jokes, but now and then I must (for the right balance) post some of the other kind... Of course I love women, how could you not?!
Feel free to abuse me in the comments section.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None - It should be opened by the time she brings it
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course - He'll shut up once you let him in
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was' Always'
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Saturday, October 9, 2010

The best dog in the world

On a camping trip many years ago we were camped just outside an outback town in the north of South Australia.
Desert country, and hard to imagine that anything really lives out here...though ‘live’ might be too hard a word, ‘survive’ might suit better.
But survive they do, camels, pigs, kangaroo, emu, rabbit and for our purposes…Goats.
We were on a two week shooting trip to cull as many ferrel goats as we could. Everyday was spent hunting them by 4WD where possible but up hill and down gorge by foot where necessary. As you can imagine that can be quite tiring, especially after a few days of it. So it was that we were in town at the local watering hole, The Transcontinental.
Downing a few beers after a long hot day is good for you, don’t you know!

The most valuable member of our team sat tied in the back of the 4WD, ‘Blue’ the Red Healer dog.
It was Blue that ran the ridges to scare the goats down, it was Blue that runs along the gullies to keep them from escaping into the next hill, and this he did without a word from us. Wherever he was needed ‘Blue’ was there right on time, every time. He shared our food, water, fire and beds.

Inside the pub, the drinking continued. Inside the pub, the gullies got deeper and the hills became higher.
Soon enough the talk came to ‘Blue’ , and that he was, of course, the smartest dog that ever lived….

Graham, the publican disagreed. He felt for sure that he had the better dog.
‘Bouncer’ was clearly the best dog in the district, and any man that knew him would attest…
Our side held the ground for ‘Blue’…words were spoken, veiled threats were made, a wager struck and before I had any idea what was going on, we were out in the car park, beers in hand to sort this out the way drunken men do in Australia.
A Contest!

Terry went to our 4WD, untied ‘Blue’ and gave the command.
“Go Blue, Tucker time!”
The dog barked, wagged his tail and scampered off into the darkness. It was back in a few minutes with a mouthful of twigs, which it piled on the ground. Then, using his front paws he rubbed the twigs together until they burst into flame.
With another bark, the dog bounded into the back of the 4WD and grabbed a Billy between his teeth. He scampered down to the creek and returned to put the full Billy on the fire.
“There!” said Terry. “What d’ya think of that, then?”

Between swigs of beer Graham slurred
“Not bad, not bad at all, but he’s not good enough to beat ‘Bouncer.”
And so saying, Graham untied Bouncer from his place under the pub steps.
“Go Bouncer, Brew time!”
The dog easily repeated ‘Blues’ performance, fetching wood, lighting a fire and getting a Billy full of water from the creek.
But it did more,.. and we assembled drinkers applauded as ‘Bouncer’, having put the Billy on to boil, shot off to the publicans chicken coop and grabbed a new-laid egg, which it gently popped into the Billy.
And then, to everyone’s astonishment (except the publican’s) he stood on his head, his back legs waving in the air.
We were amazed and drank more beer to celebrate.
“What’s he doing that for?” Terry demanded.
“Like I told ya,” said the publican. “Bouncer’s an intelligent dog. He knows I broke my eggcup this morning….”


Monday, October 4, 2010

Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads

Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately!

10) "I live life to the fullest!"
(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)

9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving"
(Alright! A person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual; I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")

8) "I'm ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!"
(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more sit-ups, I could still make the Giants starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)

7) "I'm a down to earth..."
(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)

6) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!"
(You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.)

5) "I'm a intelegent..."
(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?)

4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."
(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)

3) "I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed
(Trust me, I will.)

2) "Looking for THE ONE" or "Looking for my Soulmate"
(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.)
And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is...

1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose [sic] the weight real soon."

(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?)
Put them all together, and the end result usually looks something like this....

"Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 35! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!"

(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)

The above was posted on Best of Craigs List. (isn’t it amazing where you’ll look when bored enough?)