Monday, June 18, 2012

They're really quite friendy..

Growing up in Australia you get used to the dangers early in life, most five year olds would be able to recognize a Brown Snake or Red Back spider, and know what to do.
Around here the most common snakes are the Brown and the Death Adder (don’t even ask) both are deadly dangerous but the most common deadly creature would be the Red Back spider.
Because they often kill pets, I kill every Red Back I find in my yard but there would still be upward of twenty in my ordinary large suburban yard.

A few years ago I was helping my best friend rebuild a classic Ford car and we'd been finding and storing car parts for several years to get prepared. It amounted to several spare cars packed into sheds and lean to's all over his yard. (all in bits)
One day while out fishing we found a rare version of this car abandoned in the bush behind some seaside shacks, it had been an upmarket version and held a few bits we just had to have. The owner wandered over to explain the old Ford had thrown a big end doing donuts on the beach, but still they drove it to it's final resting place, nine years ago now.
We asked the question and it turned out he had no problem with us taking whatever we wanted, the rest was going to be added to a Snapper Drop*.
With grand plans we opened the find a major Red Back colony inside and under the car, they were everywhere, many hundreds and big ones at that. Every single thing was bound in web, naturally we recoiled in horror and decided the spiders had taken 'Dibs'**

Over time we discussed all those great parts.
Over time and many several drunken discussions we formulated a plan.
We drove past the car from time to time and each time we saw something else we wanted, a year later we decided to raid the old Ford.
You cant just spray poison on Red Backs, they die eventually but until then they stagger about as drunk biting everything they find, can you see why this might be a bad idea? Fire bombing the car was canvassed…and defeated.
We discussed what we could make as an offering to sate the spiders, a jar of flies? Kittens? small dogs!
Instead we decided on a gentle approach giving the spiders time to move out of the way, they could still have their car…but we wanted some bits out of it ..please and thank you very much.
Double long pants, double long tops, taped at the ankles and wrists and latex gloves for working out of sight under the dashboard, all our tools and lots of lubricants later we were ready.
With a trailer in tow and contingency plans for one of us being bitten (for some reason we didn't plan for both of us to be bitten) we headed the 50 odd miles into the deserted area.

A mere spider capturing a snake? Yes they can, I've found a web with a fresh small bird dead in it. A spider with a web so strong it can capture snakes and birds and a toxin so deadly it can kill a big animal like that fast enough to prevent losing the prey..

I opened the drivers door with thick webs tearing so loud I could hear them, eight or ten large spiders fled across their webs and disappeared under the dash. I started right there by moving the three or four spiders preventing my removing the door bolts and took the first major part off the car. Other parts quickly followed with us constantly jumping out of our skins every time anything so much as touched us, I'll admit I screamed like a girl several times… (a butch girl)
We took out most of the interior including a stint of me laying on the spider infested seats so I could put my gloved hands under the dash to loosen bolts. As I worked out of sight, feeling for the bolts, I knew that I was likely touching some of the many spiders holed up under the dash, I was comfortable in the knowledge that I had two pairs of latex gloves on my hands which they were unlikely to bite through. When I removed my hands many bolts later I was genuinely horrified to see the gloves were shredded with only tatters clinging here and there and my hands were filthy indicating the gloves were gone quite some time ago. I remember looking down at my hands about here, and they were shaking..

We took all the bolted panels and even the motor, with it's big hole right through the side where the piston had gone walkabouts. It was a rare size and yielded a good head, the gearbox was a rare three speed auto so we had to have that…in fact we pretty much wanted the whole car.

Of course this is a real spider!..what are you suggesting?

With a hand winch and ropes I slowly rolled the car off it's spider colony, tearing the webs binding it to the ground, up and over onto it's roof. After allowing time for the spiders to move we started undoing bolts until everything under the car was undone, from suspension to the diff, motor and gearbox, everything. Then we rolled it back over so it was right side up, then back again…
After doing this, all the under car parts were left standing where the car used to be and the car was on it's roof next to the neat piles of parts…easy!
All we had to do then was venture into the calf high weeds and spiderweb fortress to stake our claim for the parts.
With a fair amount of fear and trepidation and a bit more running away when a blade of grass touches you, we did get all the parts from the spiders; packed most of the car into the trailer and headed home.
Before we left I turned the car back the right way over because we'd told the owner we wouldn’t move it or leave a mess.
There were still lots of spiders in those parts of course and we had to kill them all as we stored the parts, even so the little shed they filled became spider infested in no time and we had to be vigilant for years.

After that experience I'm not afraid of Red Backs at all, I've learned that they really don’t want to bite us and when they do it's because the poor spider has been leaned on or touched directly.

*Snapper Drop: in these featureless waters, fishermen make their own fish attracting devices (reefs) with old car bodies, washing machines etc. (now banned)

** Dibs: Placing something in Dibs is to claim it as yours forever...I don’t know!…it just does OK!

For those wanting to try this out for yourselves just email me your address and I'll send you a few in a jar.


Friday, June 15, 2012

Just Pics

 RedBacks really do show up in places like this, just that silhouette tells me it's a Red Back and every Aussie kid quickly learns the shape and the exact feel of their particularly strong web.


Monday, June 11, 2012

*** MAN RULES ***

*** MAN RULES ***

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Late the other night..

I was walking down a dark street behind some strange woman the other night.
She started walking faster so I did too.
She started jogging so I did too.
She started running so I did too.
She started screaming so I did too....
I dont know what we were running away from but it sure scared the hell out of me!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Just Cause...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

 A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud at Victoria's Secret

10 Does this come in children's sizes?

9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7 Mom will love this.

6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

4 Will you model this for me???

3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 
 Q. Why can't Barbie get pregnant?

A. Because ken comes in a separate box! 

Monday, June 4, 2012

Rejection...take your pick

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
6. I’ve got a boyfriend (who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s).
5. I don’t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same ’solar system’, much less the same building.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s not me, it’s you.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilled as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)
…and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet. It’s that male perspective thing)