Oops!

This PC is about to die, it overheated badly while recently editing a friends very bad video footage from a holiday in New Zealand. 6 hours of vid which took an entire day to edit and burn and cook the motherboard etc. It's going now but for how long?
I have a nice laptop but it does not have my favorite web shit on it, my stories and my pictures... when this one dies I will have trouble posting worthwhile stuff.. (dont you say a word..)
Bear with me...

*I took a cheap package tour across the Bass Straight to Tasmania. I should have read the fine print or at least suspected something when it was so cheap… or when they took us past the big boats and into a small dark yard at the end of the docks.

Sure enough I found myself chained to a rowing bench with sixty other suckers who also thought they were onto a bargain. With the drums beating and the lash snapping around our ears we made our way out into the open sea.

I turned to the bloke next to me “Strewth, I hope they're going to fly us back”

He says: “I don’t think so mate, they didn’t last year”

*I’ve been divorced for some time now so I’m nearly over it enough to tell you the story of how it all came to an end.

We were up before the judge seeking a divorce and after hearing both sides of the story the judge gave his verdict.

He glared down at me, “You have obviously neglected this woman and failed in your duty to her.” He scolded. “I thereby award her the sum of $150.00 per week.”

“That’s very good of you, your honor,” I said. “I’ll try to slip her a few bucks myself from time to time.”

*Fred Farmer went to take some money from the bank, he took a slip from the counter and filled it in before getting in line. When he finally got to the front of the line the Teller noticed that Fred had filled in the form using a pencil. “Sorry sir but you’ll have to ink it over.” And gestured back toward the counter.

Fred took his form and went back to start again.

After a time Fred had made his way to the front of the queue and again presented the penciled form. “I’ve thought it over, and I still want the $50.00.”

Back of Beyond

Outback Australia can be an isolated and strange place at times, take for instance my experience last year as I drove the back way from Alice Springs to Gidgialpa Station in North Eastern South Australia.

The water pump on my Toyota failed and I found myself in some quiet little town too small to have a proper name. The local mechanic said it would be two days until parts arrived so I booked a room at the local hotel and went to the bar for a drink.

I found an empty bar stool and ordered a whiskey.

“Sorry mate” said the barman, “we’re not allowed to serve spirits. Local by-law”

“You mean a man can’t get a whiskey around here at all?” I inquired.

“Well,” said the barman, “You could try the chemist. He’s allowed to sell whiskey for medical purposes.”

So off I go to the chemist, where I ask for a shot of their finest whiskey.

The chemist frowned, tut-tutted and shook his head. “Whiskeys for medical purposes,” he said. “You must have a prescription. Why don’t you go see Dr.Bury. His place is just up the road. He might be able to help.”

So off I go to the doctors’ surgery.

“Cant help you son,” The doctor told me. “I’m only allowed to write a prescription for whiskey for someone who’s been bitten by a snake. I suggest you head on down to the shire office. The clerk down there keeps a pet snake.”

Half an hour later I’m back at the bar and asking for a beer.

“Couldn’t get a whiskey then?” asked the barman.

“Nah,” says I, “The bloody snake’s booked up for the next three weeks.”

Australia V New Zealand

For those of you from other countries who will not know it, this is just to let you know that Australians and New Zealanders (who come from the same stock) love to poke fun at each other. You will have the same rivalry between states or close countries where you live I’m sure.

All jokes aside though we are great friends with much in common like… er, then there's.. um! …..I’ll get back to you.

Generally we kick their asses in cricket and by padding their teams with huge Maori they wipe us up at Rugby. They like to make fun at our Aussie Strine (our version of ‘English’) and we like to tease them about their strange and unfamiliar accents.

We love to point out that they have far too many sheep to be JUST farming them and the jokes kinda go like this…

*Boy. “Dad, dad, I got lucky and had sex for the first time last night”

Dad. “That’s great son, how was it?”

Boy. “ It was great right up until her mother saw us doing it”

Dad. “Gosh, that’s bad…what did she say?”

Boy. “ Bahhhh!”

*The New Zealand seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

*Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me all these years."

*Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep.

*An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***ing liar.

*Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The Aussie doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problem and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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