A couple had been married for ten years. Every
time they made love the husband always
insisted on turning off the light. Now
that ten years had passed, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
decided to break her husband out of this strange habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming session, she turned on the light. She
looked down to see her husband holding a massive battery- operated
vibrator.
`You impotent bastard!' she screamed, 'How could you
lie to me all these years?!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: `OK, I'll explain the
toy, you explain the kids.'
A minister dies and is waiting in
line at the pearly gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in
sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
St
Peter addresses this guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the kingdom of heaven?' The
guy replies, 'I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver.'
St Peter
consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff
and enter the kingdom of heaven.'
The taxi-driver goes into
heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow,
pastor of Saint Mary's
for the last forty-three years.'
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.'
`Just a minute', says the minister. 'That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and
golden staff. How can this be?'
'Up here, we work by results,' says St Peter. While you
preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.'
An old
cowboy sits in a saloon and orders a drink. A young woman sits down next to him. `Excuse me,
are you a real cowboy?' she asks.
'Well, I break colts, work cows,
go to rodeos, bail hay, doctor calves, clean my barn and work
on tractors, so I guess that makes me a cowboy through and
through!.. What do you do sweetheart?'
The woman replies, 'I'm a
lesbian. I spend all day thinking about
women. As soon as I wake up, I think about women. When I'm
having a shower, I think about women. When I drive
my car, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me
think of women.'
They sat drinking in silence.
A few minutes later, a man sat down on the other side of the
old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just
found out I'm a lesbian.'
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrives and bets $20 000 on
a single roll of the dice. She
says, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude.'
With that she
strips from her neck down, rolls the dice and yells, `Mamma needs new clothes!'
Then she yells
and screams, 'Yes! Yes! I won, I won!'
She jumps up
and down and hugs each of the dealers. With that she picks up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departs.
The dealers
just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, What did she
roll?'
The other
answers, `I thought you were watching!'
Moral of the
story: Not all blondes are dumb.
.
