Guide to the personal ads..

Like most of us I’m a keen observer of human behaviour, though that’s not to say that I actually understand it any better than anyone else.

I understand men well enough but there’s two points to that…

Firstly I’m not actually interested in men…

Second, they’re not actually that hard to understand anyway. It’s like saying that I completely know how to open a chip packet…yeah, brag on!

I’m also extremely sceptical, so although I read them, I’ve never actually answered one of those personal adverts in newspapers.   No, not the ‘Beautiful woman looking for a good time for a small cash reward’ type advert… the other kind…and it seems that those women are all looking for the same bloke.

They're all into gardening, cooking and the arts, they all like walks/drives in the country, cosy nights in front of the fire, going to the theatre… and men. 

Let me be a little more specific here, they like non smoking, non drinking, employed, healthy professional men with their own hair, no ties and lots of spare time.

Could it be that all these ads are placed by just one deranged field dwelling, log burning, stage door groupie who entices desperate men away from their mothers only to discard them like the little bits of left over soap that you think you can collect and squidge together into a whole bar again, but never can, and end up throwing away just before Christmas when your folks come to visit?

Having read quite a lot of these ‘interesting’ ads I'm beginning to understand the code in which they are written. Here then is a guide to personal ads, a cheat sheet that you will no doubt print and keep in your wallet.

Active- collects her own pension

Adaptable- desperate

Athletic- flat chest, big legs

Alternative- all her tattoos are spelt wrong

Balanced- still experimenting with the dosage

Charming- good at spells

Curvaceous- has not seen her feet in years

Easygoing- no taste or discretion whatsoever

Honest- done time

Independent- no friends

Lively- caffeine addicted

Loyal- stalker

Mature- smells of moth balls

Outgoing- no fixed abode

Petite- anorexic

Romantic- looks better in low light

Sensual- given to excess

Sexy- would like to be..

Sensitive- has unidentified rash

Voluptuous- more Chins than a Chinese phonebook

Warm- sweats a lot

Well travelled- wanted by the police

Young at heart- pacemaker still working well

Zany- wears different coloured socks

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A little Tool humour...

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching the flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh sh—--“.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing job.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can, after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer today is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or elastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.




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