Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads

Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately!

10) "I live life to the fullest!"
(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)

9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving"
(Alright! A person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual; I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")

8) "I'm ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!"
(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more sit-ups, I could still make the Giants starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)

7) "I'm a down to earth..."
(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)

6) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!"
(You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.)

5) "I'm a intelegent..."
(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?)

4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."
(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)

3) "I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed
(Trust me, I will.)

2) "Looking for THE ONE" or "Looking for my Soulmate"
(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.)
And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is...

1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose [sic] the weight real soon."

(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?)
Put them all together, and the end result usually looks something like this....

"Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 35! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!"

(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)


The above was posted on Best of Craigs List. (isn’t it amazing where you’ll look when bored enough?)




.

Guide to the Personals

Like most of us I’m a keen observer of human behavior, though that’s not to say that I actually understand it any better than anyone else.
I understand men well enough but there’s two points to that…
Firstly I’m not actually interested in men…
Second, they’re not actually that hard to understand anyway. It’s like saying that I completely know how to open a chip packet…yeah, brag on!
I’m also extremely skeptical, so although I read them, I’ve never actually answered one of those personal adverts in newspapers. No, not the ‘Beautiful woman looking for a good time for a small cash reward’ type advert… the other kind…and it seems that those women are all looking for the same bloke.

They're all into gardening, cooking and the arts, they all like walks/drives in the country, cozy nights in front of the fire, going to the theatre… and men.
Let me be a little more specific here, they like non smoking, non drinking, employed, healthy professional men with their own hair, no ties and lots of spare time.

Could it be that all these ads are placed by just one deranged field dwelling, log burning, stagedoor groupie who entices desperate men away from their mothers only to discard them like the little bits of left over soap that you think you can collect and squidge together into a whole bar again, but never can, and end up throwing away just before Christmas when your folks come to visit?

Having read quite a lot of these ‘interesting’ ads I'm beginning to understand the code in which they are written. Here then is a guide to personal ads, a cheat sheet that you will no doubt print and keep in your wallet.

Active- collects her own pension
Adaptable- desperate
Athletic- flat chest, big legs
Alternative- all her tattoos are spelt wrong
Balanced- still experimenting with the dosage
Charming- good at spells
Curvaceous- has not seen her feet in years
Easygoing- no taste or discretion whatsoever
Honest- done time
Independent- no friends
Lively- caffeine addicted
Loyal- stalker
Mature- smells of moth balls
Outgoing- no fixed abode
Petite- anorexic
Romantic- looks better in low light
Sensual- given to excess
Sexy- would like to be..
Sensitive- has unidentified rash
Voluptuous- more Chins than a Chinese phonebook
Warm- sweats a lot
Well traveled- wanted by the police
Young at heart- pacemaker still working well
Zany- wears different colored socks