Down on the farm

There are a few skills I’ve learned during my life, one of those skills was Oxy acetylene cutting of steel, a skill nearly lost these days as it costs a great deal in gas and time to teach the skill. Back when I was considerably younger and working under a couple of very fine ‘old time’ boiler makers I foolishly thought it was cool to learn to cut steel with hot gas...stupid boy!
Of course I've done my best to forget the skill but copious amounts of scotch and beer simply have not done the job.
The worst of it is that some people who have known me for all those years know that I can still do it… and you just cant kill them all!
A few weeks ago an old mate who now owns a farm down the coast a bit rang to coerce me into coming down to oxy cut for him.

Do you have friends that call from time to time, and when they ring, you kind of go… ‘Oh no!’ ? He’s like that, a good friend and a great bloke but…well, he owns a farm and works like a dog.

Anyway… I get there to find two huge air seeding machines waiting for me, a combination of over one hundred plough points to cut off as well as a similar amount of holding plates and rusted bolts, and all of it had to be done without any damage to adjoining parts. (my adjoining parts somehow don’t bear consideration)
As you can see the machines are so low and so heavy that they cant be lifted, you must crawl under it, between sharp and nasty bits.
As soon as you light the torch the spiders who have taken refuge in the equipment in the preceding nine months start dropping off everything above you…angry spiders!
So there you sit, in the dirt, with Red Back and Orb weaver spiders raining down on you, you don’t worry too much about that however because the red hot steel is also raining down on you. If you twitch or move suddenly you get a plough shear in the head, or back, or somewhere and of course the melted steel ends up on the ground where you're sitting.
I felt something crawling down my back and nesting between my buttocks…probably just another ant. Half an hour later when I got out from under to learn to walk again I found a Red Back dropping from my shorts on a web. (note to self: Next time wear long pants) (Further note to self: make sure there is no ‘next time’)

I ended up spending two twelve hour days sitting under those machines collecting melted steel in my undies… and I've got the burns to prove it.
Then I spent another day bolting on new sharp bits and scratching, scraping and impaling myself on those as I did… and I've got the wounds to prove that. (the things you do for friends)
A few restorative welds here and there and the mighty machines are ready to put the next crop in…any day now.
If I were a bit younger I could make a very good living working the farms, but this old body is simply not up to the task.
After my holiday down the farm I need a holiday!




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Dont throw your life away!

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

I've been busy

The beginning, the sides cut out and clamped and glued together.


The hull together, glued and ready for Epoxy coating.


Looks nice in this one does it not? Three coats of Epoxy coating to waterproof the wood forever. (so the story goes)


Two more coats of Marine grade two pac primer.


..and here we are now. Ive had second thoughts about painting it Stark White though.. Even on this cloudy day it's still too bright to even look at...and this is only the dull primer. Im not bad at spray painting so it has quite a bit of gloss off the gun but nothing compared to the gloss it will have in two pac hi-gloss.


I’ve been building a boat…more about that later. (slight overstatement…it’s a canoe)
I started at Christmas time and fully expected to have it in the water by now, but living in the middle of nowhere has slowed me down somewhat, it takes two weeks to get anything I order. Run out of stainless screws…two weeks, need a bit more Epoxy…two more weeks..
During the process I’ve learned many new terms…tradie things like Bow, Stern, Thingamajig and Whosiwhatsit (official nautical terms)
I learned the finishing steps, the hole filling, sanding and finishing is called ‘Fairing’ or ‘Making Fair’. (not that I’m quite there yet)
I had some major work done on my house a couple of years ago and I learned many things...like ‘complete price’ does not mean it’s actually the complete and full price of the job and the process of hole filling, straightening things which should have been straight in the first place and finishing and sanding is called ‘Making Good’.
I’ve had some experience in the steel industry and the bringing together and joining of two parts of steel is called ‘marrying’, you bring in one part and marry it to another permanently by welding.
I’m thinking in this day where marriage is anything but permanent this misnamed procedure needs to have it’s name changed…I’m thinking it should be called ‘Partnering’. The bringing together and welding…for a while.

Just a thought!


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War On America

Lately I’ve been thinking of declaring war on America.
You may well wonder what brings on this apparent madness on my part, after all America is one of our major trading partners, our comrades in arms and a constant source of wonderment.
Her beautiful natural wonders, her incredible scientific accomplishments, the great many fine people and friends I have there, the natural barrier she provides to prevent Canadians coming South. (sorry Cal)
Despite the wonderful people, the wonders and the accomplishments, there is something for which I cannot forgive…
TV..
not just any TV mind you.

Let me explain.
Here in far away Australia we have a new TV channel…Channel 11.
Channel 11 seems to be caught in a time warp, time zone 1970’s and the reason for my despair. Why, in the 1970’s did America commit this crime on us and TV viewers throughout the world. What did we do to deserve this bombardment of…of..
Well…have a look for yourselves.






This is just tonights ‘Entertainment’…and there are worse nights than this.
Mork and Mindy…
The Love Boat… (weeping now)
Happy Days… (shamelessly crying)
The Brady Bunch… (reaching for the razor blades)

Come on...what have you to say for yourselves?



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The tale of the Drop Bear

It is well understood that the Dropbear has evolved over thousands of years. It's diminutive cousin the Koala was more often found in dryer areas of Australia where it's herbivorous lifestyle was a natural adaptation to scarce food supplies. Conversely, Dropbear prides were more common in sub-tropical forests, where larger mammals (a primary food source) were more prevalent. The population density along coastal areas accounts for the less than comfortable relationship shared over the years by humans and Dropbears. Due to habitat destruction, many Dropbear prides have divided over the years, some of which head further inland in search of more plentiful food sources, and safer environments in which to raise cubs. This in turn has displaced some koala populations. This in fact serves to provide the Australian government with a convenient cover story. They (and others) claim that coastal Koala habitats are being destroyed, thereby lowering the count of koala's typically seen around urban Australia. This is a fallacy, as koala's never inhabited coastal areas in any great numbers due to the Dropbear not being particularly concerned with matters of etiquette regarding the feeding on relatives. However, since many tourists tend to be disappointed that they do not see a koala in every eucalyptus tree, the government perpetuates this story of an endangered species in a shrinking habitat. As horrible as it is, it sounds a lot better than saying "Oh, those cuddly things? Yeah, the Dropbears ate them all".



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