The Aussie BBQ...or Russian Roulette for food.

Anyone can cook meat, all you need is a frypan, temperature controlled stove and a dash of oil.

It takes a real man to cook on raging flames, with the temperature fluctuating between burn and incinerate, when even getting close enough to flip the meat might cost you an eyebrow..thats what makes  it 'Mans work'.

* Perfect, the meat should go on NOW

With a beer in one hand (to put yourself out when you catch fire) and tongs in the other you dash headlong into the flames, turning that which seems scorched enough and moving to the side that which is still on fire, then dash back checking for burning eyebrows and forearms as you do. A long slurp on the beer about now will cool your burning throat..

Now stand back for a few minutes as you recover from the incineration, slurp a few more times on the beer still in your hand and laugh with friends, telling jokes about women, cars, work or the weather. All to soon it's time to tackle the flames again as you prepare by drinking more beer for the upcoming fight, thankful for the fireproof apron and burn cream already rubbed into the groin.

Before long though the cooking is over as most of the meat is set and shrunk like a rubber shoe sole, a sure sign that it's cooked enough. Regardless of the amount of carbon on the surface the cook declares the meat 'cooked' and 'perfect'.

 *Of course you've locked the dog away in the back room from where he looks at you all day like this through the window...

At this stage the guests turn to the woman of the house who has washed and cleaned the BBQ and area beforehand, made numerous salads and sides, supplied drinks, classes, and cutlery, welcomed the guests and continually nudged the man of the house to remind him to turn the meat.

The guests help themselves as is the Australian way, taking a plate, piling up the sides and salads and sorting through the meat for the least burned bits (of whatever that is/was)

After stuffing themselves with beer, salads and meat guests invariably thank the man of the house for HIS great BBQ, the woman of the house would be there...but she's in the kitchen washing dishes and putting away.

* You can see this meat is nearly done by that nice shade of black gradually creeping over the steaks

NB: the woman of the house seems frustrated and tired which greatly confuses the man of the house...after all, HE did all the cooking!

 *You can even BBQ in the great outdoors by mounting the BBQ on the boot of your car like this tripper, you could BBQ as you wait for the kids to come out of school or even while filling up with fuel. (Watch out for the police though)

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How was it for you?

This Christmas was like most others lately, I got designated as ‘designated driver’, a job I hate but always seem to get on these occasions. Anyone know where the list is made and how you get your name taken off the list?
Recently I decided I needed a challenge and since I'm somewhat famous for not being able to make anything from wood but a damn good fire I naturally chose to make a boat…from wood. The bits are out there in the shed right now, all cut out and waiting for supplies to arrive via courier. One of my son-in-laws saw it there and nearly hurt himself with laughter, something about it NOT keeping my ass out of the water. At the moment it looks a little like a nativity scene boat…but that will change over the coming weeks/months. You cant rush these things you know… and I've only had the plans for ten years so it might be a good time to actually read them eh?
This got me thinking about men and plans. We don’t need them…or at least we don’t think we do. It also got me thinking about my son-in-law and some payback.
How fortuitous then that I should turn up at his house on Christmas day to find him and his brother assembling a new flat pack BBQ. My daughter had put up her hand to host Christmas day for our two families and poor Stan was designated cook. (there's that word again)
The two young fellows were surrounded by boxes of parts and tools and looking perplexed at the apparently limitless heap of bits they had to assemble to make this rather large six burner unit.
They started at 10.30am..
I saw my chance at some payback here.
They didn’t need the plans, so they thought. After all, how hard could it be?
We all gathered our chairs and sat around them offering advice about which bit went where, as you would expect all my advice was complete fiction and absolutely wrong. Bits were bolted on...then taken off to be replaced with the right bit…which was taken off to be turned around the right way. Parts were thrown, tools too, and I was told to ‘shut the f*** up’ numerous times.
Eventually they retrieved the plans and actually began following them. (no fun at all)
But you don’t get this old by giving up easily… I went searching the bins and came out with several sets of gift plans for, among other things, a childs scooter, a pram and a set of nesting tables. Covers removed and discarded I went into action by swapping pages every chance I got. Everyone was in on the joke except the two lads putting it all together and all joined in enthusiastically.
It actually got funnier from here on in, more parts bolted on then off and more parts and tools thrown than ever before. Stan spent a few minutes looking for the storage tray for underneath the pram before realizing I’d suckered him.
They did eventually get the BBQ together amidst much joking and ribbing and they did eventually start cooking lunch…at about 2.30pm.
I hope your Christmas was as much fun as mine was..
Cheers
Kymbo



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Aussie Traditions...The BBQ

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and Barbecue season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbecue, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Barbecue Routine
The woman buys the food.
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all: barbeque jokes
Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

They tell good old Aussie barbie jokes like:
Question: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer: A stick.

The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....



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Bliss Is A Little Like This

At last all three of my daughters are living in the same town and there no arguments, no hassles and no fights!

…Ok, so that bits a lie! Girls will be girls and there are the usual problems but all things being equal it is a pretty good situation just now.
We try to picnic and BBQ quite a bit to get everyone together and get the grandkids familiar with each other…(the bludgeoning seems to have stopped for now) and more than anything else a BBQ at the beach means not much cleaning up to be done.

Why would that be important?
Well! Three daughters mean three sons-in-law and eight and a half kids. (number nine is due in two weeks)

A new feeling seems to be taking over me lately, as I watch the kids playing and the daughters catching up on the latest chit-chat a feeling of pride swells within me and at last I understand why generations have done all this hard work before us.

Son-in-law Stan and I were watching the other thirteen or so swimming and he made the comment that this was my legacy to the world… It is just what I was thinking! (…although he was laughing about it)
This small group of happy healthy kids, their parents and partners are my gift to the world and it is all good…enjoy!