WHEN ALL ELF FAILS

"the festive season is upon us"  Are you sick of hearing that greeting yet this season? (or a variation thereof)

I must be getting more intolerant as I get older because those words continually (and worst of all) Cheerfully resounded at me really grates on my nerves. My first thought is to offer a suggestion which would see me banned from the shopping centre…again!

"The festive season is upon us"

"Oh really? I hadn't been informed. I mean, I suppose I should have thought something was up when I began to receive dozens of discount catalogues in the mail with 'THE FESTIVE SEASON IS UPON US' written in bold 72-point font, or perhaps I should have paid attention to all the twinkling lights, glistening decorations and vomit inducing Christmas carols along with my rising sense of dread…Now it all makes sense!"

After many years of disastrous yuletide socializing, I offer you what little I've learned.

For a time I battled against the tide with a strategy of Bah-humbug! but that just led to people asking why I felt that way or trying to change my mind…if I wanted to change my mind I'd go to a bloody social worker wouldn't I?

No, I suggest you do not try to spread the Bah-humbug virus but instead devise a strategy to arm yourself sensibly against the most stupid conversations you will endure all year.

Christmas, as you know is not just about peace, goodwill and needless spending. In Australia, Christmas is also about binge drinking, emotional desperation and saying things just for the sake of it. "Merry Christmas", "Happy new year" "Peace be upon you" (I could go on but I'm already feeling the phlegm rise)

Intoxication, libido and meaningless greetings conspire to erode the normal social conversation into a suffocating pile of sticky despair.

There are a number of ways to manage these conversations. First you could select an option I have found effective and become a recluse around the end of November, only venturing out when your stocks of dog food get low. I understand the need and can survive on dry bread and black coffee but the dogs get all funny and start eyeing off my legs when confronted by an empty food bowl. Besides the Christmas season gets longer year by year with decorations seemingly appearing just after Easter now, at this rate I would have become a full time recluse….

For a time I wrote and rehearsed well worn conversation pieces that I could bring up and chat away without having to disturb my brain hardly at all, but people get suspicious when you say the same thing every time you see them year after year; or answer their sad story about the recent passing of the family dog with "That’s great, hope the rest of your Christmas goes as well, Bye now!"

The best strategy I've found is to join them. Remember the old saying? If you cant beat them, join them.

Popular and simple to execute, this solution is as easy as beginning each festive conversation as though it were written by an enthusiastic, drunk and horny Hallmark employee and then, becoming both drunk and horny yourself. Most of you will find those last two requirements quite easy to fulfill. Further I suggest you begin binge drinking around November 1 and don’t stop until the end of February. . . at least!

Cheers!

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How was it for you?

This Christmas was like most others lately, I got designated as ‘designated driver’, a job I hate but always seem to get on these occasions. Anyone know where the list is made and how you get your name taken off the list?
Recently I decided I needed a challenge and since I'm somewhat famous for not being able to make anything from wood but a damn good fire I naturally chose to make a boat…from wood. The bits are out there in the shed right now, all cut out and waiting for supplies to arrive via courier. One of my son-in-laws saw it there and nearly hurt himself with laughter, something about it NOT keeping my ass out of the water. At the moment it looks a little like a nativity scene boat…but that will change over the coming weeks/months. You cant rush these things you know… and I've only had the plans for ten years so it might be a good time to actually read them eh?
This got me thinking about men and plans. We don’t need them…or at least we don’t think we do. It also got me thinking about my son-in-law and some payback.
How fortuitous then that I should turn up at his house on Christmas day to find him and his brother assembling a new flat pack BBQ. My daughter had put up her hand to host Christmas day for our two families and poor Stan was designated cook. (there's that word again)
The two young fellows were surrounded by boxes of parts and tools and looking perplexed at the apparently limitless heap of bits they had to assemble to make this rather large six burner unit.
They started at 10.30am..
I saw my chance at some payback here.
They didn’t need the plans, so they thought. After all, how hard could it be?
We all gathered our chairs and sat around them offering advice about which bit went where, as you would expect all my advice was complete fiction and absolutely wrong. Bits were bolted on...then taken off to be replaced with the right bit…which was taken off to be turned around the right way. Parts were thrown, tools too, and I was told to ‘shut the f*** up’ numerous times.
Eventually they retrieved the plans and actually began following them. (no fun at all)
But you don’t get this old by giving up easily… I went searching the bins and came out with several sets of gift plans for, among other things, a childs scooter, a pram and a set of nesting tables. Covers removed and discarded I went into action by swapping pages every chance I got. Everyone was in on the joke except the two lads putting it all together and all joined in enthusiastically.
It actually got funnier from here on in, more parts bolted on then off and more parts and tools thrown than ever before. Stan spent a few minutes looking for the storage tray for underneath the pram before realizing I’d suckered him.
They did eventually get the BBQ together amidst much joking and ribbing and they did eventually start cooking lunch…at about 2.30pm.
I hope your Christmas was as much fun as mine was..
Cheers
Kymbo



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Copyright Infringement Day

This is a 'float' (which I'm sure it wouldn't..love to try though) Trying hard to look like what it is not!



Don't tell me we don't know how to look after children out here...All behind bars, like they should be!! (repeat serial offenders, 'Excessive Giggling')



Copyright infringement #3612436543B



The big man himself. (skinny man in a fat suit wearing fake beard and polyester suit in an Australian summer)



Here in Australia we have this little custom, I don’t know where it came from but it involves fake snow, fake reindeer and a fake fat bloke in a red suit and fake beard all lumbering down the main street accompanied by various ‘floats’ in 40 degree heat. (105deg F)
For those of you who don’t know, a float is a contraption built onto a truck or trailer trying to look like something completely different, from dinosaurs to fairy castles… I cant look at one of these things without wondering how it would go in a demolition derby …and I’m pretty sure that would attract more enthusiastic onlookers..
This year was no different, bored parents looking on as their kids and grandkids scuttle about grabbing lollies thrown by strangers dressed as clowns. I didn't meet a single adult who was happy to be there…but thousands of kids who were wrapped in every tinsel covered lie.
The aim of the day seems to be to fill every pocket with lollies then fill your belly with Fairy Foss, chips, ice cream and drinks then try to make it home without spraying the inside of the car with partially digested junk food... and while we’re on about the aim of the day there seems to be no end of copyright infringements, one could almost think there seems to be a deliberate attempt to bring publicity by law suit.
But here’s the thing…all year we teach our kids about stranger danger and insist they are careful in everything they do and say…then this one day we encourage them to take candy from strangers and push them forward to cuddle ‘Santa’.
I’m thinking it’s time to cancel Christmas and replace it with something more relevant… like ‘national pelt a stranger with lollies day’.