Jokes

A husband is sent out by his wife to buy some fruit and vegetables. But she insisted they had to be organic. He goes to the market and has a good look around but can't find any.

So he grabs an old, tired-looking employee and says, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'

The produce guy looks at him and says, 'No. You'll have to do that yourself.'

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. `You'll get your chance in court,' says the desk sergeant. `No, no, no!' says the man. 'I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!'

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics

guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After applying her 'miracle' products, she asked, `Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?'

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, 'Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.'

`Oh, you flatter me!'

`Hey, wait a minute! I haven't added them up yet.'

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small-town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches.

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor Bridge, and the Texan is further unimpressed, 'I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy.'

The Sydney-Newcastle Expressway also gets his scorn. `Is this a road, or a track?' he shouts with contempt.

So when a kangaroo jumps out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver can't help himself.

`Bloody grasshoppers!' he mutters…….

A twelve-year-old boy goes up to his Tasmanian  neighbor and says, 'I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.'

The Tasmanian guy laughs and answers, 'The joke's on you,

Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah – I wasn't even home last night.'

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Men V Women

NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: 

Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. 
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... 
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters….
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. 
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. 
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. 
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatic's. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. 
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. 
 Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

You know...it's not easy being a man, the whole world thinks we're bloody useless and makes jokes about us...truly, they're only right some of the time...






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Rules for Good Housekeeping (Especially for men!)

It's Australia day today, time for BBQ's and picnics outdoors usually accompanied by beer. No beer for me just yet, I'm taking the Yamaha out for a spin and don't want to fall off...again!
If you're in the mood for some great jokes I recommend a visit to Mags blog over at wordpress http://magsx2.wordpress.com/author/magsx2/
 


So anyway, I found this list on a feminist site a little while ago while searching for a counter post for the one I put up a couple of posts ago. As a single bloke I can relate to most of these and confess theres more than a grain of truth in some of them. Enjoy!

• It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
• Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
• Never make fried chicken in the nude.
• Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
• You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
• If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
• When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

 
 
 
 
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Blue For You...

I was complaining to my neighbor that I was having trouble with ants invading my kitchen. He suggested a sure fire way of ridding my house of these tiny pests.

“I’ve got a mate” He started, “He’ll get some Heroin for you to sprinkle around their nest and they will go away.”

A few days later he was back with the bag of white powder which he sprinkled around the nest.

I didn’t see an ant for over a week, but then they came back and stole my DVD player…

A drunk gets up from the bar and staggers toward for the toilet. A few minutes later there is a blood curdling scream from the toilets.

A few minutes later another terrible scream is heard coming from the Mens Room.

The bartender gets up and goes to find out why the drunk keeps screaming like that.

“Why all the screaming in there?” he asks “You're scaring all my customers.”

“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something grabs my balls and squeezes the heck out of them.”

With that the barman opens the door to survey the damage, he looks at the scene before him for a few seconds before he says,

“You idiot, you’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a notice above the bar that reads:

Cheese sandwich: $2.00

Chicken sandwich: $3.50

Hand Jobs: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to the large group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she replies, “indeed I am.”

The man replies, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”

You know how it is as you get older? Every time you see a doctor you leave with yet another prescription for drugs you have to take for the rest of your life?

Recently my doctor prescribed half a Viagra before bed. It’s not helping my love life any, but at least I don’t roll out of bed during the night any more…

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Unashamedly Stolen

Unashamedly stolen in it's entirety from Magsx2 wonderful blog at.. http://magsx2.wordpress.com/



An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says ‘Sheesh – How’d you lose the leg’

The Pirate says ‘Arrrrr – A shark took it off at the knee’

The Barman says ‘Thats no good, what about the hand?’

The Piarate says ‘Arrrrg – Lost it in a bloody bar brawl’

The Barman says ‘Jeez – Well what about the eye then?’

The Pirate says ‘Thats easy a seagul crapped in it’

The Barman says ‘What?!?!’

The Pirate says ‘Arrrrrrr…I’d only had the hook one day…’
————————————————-
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
—————————————————–
A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.

While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years… I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!”


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Prayers for everyone

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man, who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong.One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,Knows when to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.
Amen


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Payback Time

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What did God say after she created man?
“I can do so much better”.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?
A man will go looking for a golf ball.

..and remember: marriage is grand
…divorce is twenty grand!




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Odds and Ends

Just cleaning out my files and found a few unrelated funnies that need sharing before deleting.

I once knew a woman whose virginity grew back….
..or so she claimed. (who am I to have doubts) Actually this one is true...

I discovered that even though I wash my hands when I’ve been to the toilet…
It’s a good idea to wash your hands beforehand as well when you've been chopping Chilies. Actually, so is this one...

Definition of car insurance: It’s a betting payment. I’m betting that I’m going to crash my car in the next twelve months. They’re betting that I’m not… and I’m hoping they win!

The three rings of marriage
The engagement ring
The wedding ring
The Suffering

The feeling you get when you find one chip in the box when you thought you had none, is not the same feeling you get when you think you have one left, but find none.

Let me know if i say anything that offends you ... I might want to offend you again later!!!

One of my nipples is a different colour to the other two. Is this normal?

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.


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