What men say...what men actually mean

"I'M GOING FISHING":
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH, SURE HONEY," or, "YES, DEAR."
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST . . . I HAVE LOTS OF THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "Is that woman over there wearing a bra?"

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I've ever owned, I just forgot your birthday."

"I DUNNO . . . I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND I GOT YOU THESE ROSES. . ."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated: ". . . and I sure hope I think of some soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my out stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find out."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh God, please don't try on MORE clothes."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."



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Payback Time

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What did God say after she created man?
“I can do so much better”.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?
A man will go looking for a golf ball.

..and remember: marriage is grand
…divorce is twenty grand!




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