Rules To Live By

THE TEN SECRET STEPS TO A GREAT RELATIONSHIP

(MALE VERSION)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Restroom

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been
known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and
several other names. (For Australia add: Thunderbox, Crapper, Bog, Reading Room) 
As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an
acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a
significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only
permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
looking around. Read graffiti.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid
standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X = occupied, . = empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know
what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At
this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Pissing Tips for "Real Men" (Addendum To The Above Rules)

a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.

b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wank.

c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"

d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.

e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.




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(misogynistic) RULES THAT WOMEN COULD FOLLOW

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your ass to a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9.Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10.Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to respond to it.
16.Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. Dont throw ANYTHING in the bin without clearing it with us first.
19. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21.'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23.Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24.Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25.Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
27.Don't fake orgasms. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
30.The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
31.If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
34. Learn to read a map.
35.Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t- shirts etc. etc...., lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36.When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39.If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food as well. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish.'

 

 

There you have it, yet another silly list of things we could, would, might do if only.... 

(if only we were hard at heart and uncaring)