Why women live longer than men.

 We've known that women outlive men by many years but this study suggests there are good reasons why this is so. . .

. . and there are some who seem to be trying to die early. . .




.

Of Men and Women..

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Women..

THE FIVE SECRET STEPS TO A GREAT RELATIONSHIP

(FEMALE VERSION)

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.

When my wife had to go to hospital unexpectedly. She provided me with a list of items to bring from home. One of the items on the list was 'comfortable underwear'.

I had to ask, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back".

.

(misogynistic) RULES THAT WOMEN COULD FOLLOW

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your ass to a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9.Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10.Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to respond to it.
16.Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. Dont throw ANYTHING in the bin without clearing it with us first.
19. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21.'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23.Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24.Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25.Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
27.Don't fake orgasms. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
30.The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
31.If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
34. Learn to read a map.
35.Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t- shirts etc. etc...., lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36.When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39.If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food as well. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish.'

 

 

There you have it, yet another silly list of things we could, would, might do if only.... 

(if only we were hard at heart and uncaring)

The truth about women Part 7

There is one force that affects all women, all of the time.
It is an elemental urge of such magnitude it renders women powerless to resist it’s influence.

Only a foolish man would ignore it’s importance.
Read on only if you are prepared to handle:
THE TRUTH ABOUT WOMEN.

The secret of how to understand women is in their:
Shoes. (Tah-Dah...Fanfare, drum roll etc.)

Everything you need to know about a woman is right there on her feet.
For centuries we’ve been trying to solve the riddle, and all the time we were looking at the wrong end of their legs!

Think about this:
Why do they all have a hundred pairs of shoes when they only have two legs?
Because they can have a hundred different moods! (head slap)

Take a look around, look at their footwear, then look at their expression- see what I mean?
Once you learn to recognize the messages she’s transmitting through her footwear, you will have no trouble deciphering what sort of creature she is, and more importantly, what sort of condition she’s in.

Here then is your field guide to Feminine Footwear.
Print it, keep it in your wallet, refer to it constantly.

It could save your life.


Consider then that you are now informed, prepared and ready to make contact with women. The next question is:
What on earth are you going to say to them?
If you want them to listen in amused amazement at your witty wordplay, you are going to have to come up with something better than:
“Nice norks, darling.”

In every survey ever carried out by woman’s magazines, the single characteristic they all claim to long for is:
“The ability to make me laugh.”

There are various problems attached to this seemingly simple requirement:
1: Women lie through their tights in surveys.
2: Laughter can be induced by the wrong things.
If she’s creased up and hooting at the first glimpse of Mr. Wriggly, you’re a dead duck.
3: When women smile at you it’s always best to check that it’s for the right reason. Be sure she’s not playing funny face with the big bloke behind you, has a facial tic, or is simply baring her teeth before biting your face off.


It’s been a while since I’ve been game enough to post one of these…or rather, I've been very busy and it takes ages to write these. (you think women are hard to understand… imagine trying to put it into the written word.. and as for making up these pictures…)

.

Being A Bloke

There has never been a more difficult time to be a bloke.

These days you have to be pretty sharp to impress the ladies. Lets face it, between the computer and the turkey baster, there isn’t much left for us to do.

We’ve become accessories, chunky charms on the bracelets of independent women.
We should have realized our days were numbered when they bought out cute designer gizmos for taking the lids off jam jars…

There’s no doubt about it, nowadays if you want to make them yearn, you’ve got to earn it..
But it wasn’t always that way.

Once upon a time, back in the days when men were men and the sheep were scared, we had a certain authority, things were very different.. It was all so much simpler then.

A short walk over, a quick whack over the head, she has stars in her eyes for you alone, and it’s back to the cave for some Neolithic action on a mammoth skin rug.

Now that’s what I call clubbing….

I think it’s fair to say that men look back in awe of those times, and maybe it would be worth the cold cave, raw meat and fleas to recapture those times.

I blame Adam for this, it was easy enough wasn’t it? Have what you want, when you want and beautiful young Eve to share it all with… but don’t eat that one thing… Easy!
(what was he thinking?)

Hmm, this boy had to be given some encouragement, but in fairness, it was new territory for him.
After years of fiddling with his fig and worrying the animals, he was bound to need a few pointers.

Fortunately, Eve was a bit more clued up.

I’m sure she made a fine sight standing there in her naked loveliness, her pippins in her hands, a giant python wrapped around her lions.
One glimpse of her fruit and veg on display and Adam decided to turn over a new leaf.
For the first time in ages the animals felt safe bending over at the waterhole.

Sadly, it all ended in tears when the man upstairs got to hear about their frolickings.
..and so we end here and now where men change every few years to suit the new requirements.
Shaved chest or no shaved chest? “Haven’t you heard? …bulging muscles are out this year” …. I don’t go for that at all I must admit.

I’m just waiting it out until what I have comes back in style….

WOMEN

WOMEN

..They’re not like us.

In fact they’re SO not like us, I’m amazed they have anything to do with us at all.
If you’re going to try to connect with them, it’s best you know a little about what makes them tick..

Umm….

Ok, we’ll come back to that one.
In the meantime, here are a few observations about female behavior, taken from a detailed survey carried out in a local mens hospital ward.

1. They like men to be strong, silent types who can freely discuss complex emotional issues. (WTF)
2. They try to teach babies to talk by talking like a baby.
3. They never fart, belch or sweat. (that cant be good for them eh?)
4. They kiss and hug when meeting, even if they hate each others guts.
5. Ladies don’t like jokes about being fat.
6. They cant throw when playing games but are deadly accurate during an argument.
7. They don’t understand that, “Uhuh, mmm.” Means, “ I am in total agreement with everything you just said.”
8. More than three men is a pig-fest. More than three women is a sisterhood.
9. They always pretend not to want desert…then eat yours.
10. They run funny.
11. They have not worked out that if we listen to anyone for more than two minutes we switch to our default settings.
12. They have only one real master…and that is chocolate.
13. They don’t understand why curtains don’t excite us.

Of course none of this helps us at all. We are still no wiser or able to predict what they will do or say, or when they are going to hit us.

Part of what makes them so difficult to understand is the way they change from one minute to the next. This makes it very hard to generalize about them.
However, the truth is that women are all the same…

..but not at the same time.

Number 17 in the series

Number 17 in the series
‘Everything you ever wanted to know about Women’

Meeting women

It’s going to happen sometime… Your eyes meet across a crowded wine bar, you smile, she gives the briefest sign of encouragement (she doesn’t run screaming into the traffic), you walk over to her, she turns, anticipating your wicked one-liner and…

Nothing! Zero! Blank! Your mouth is moving but no one is home…

All your carefully rehearsed spontaneous wit has dried up like camel pee on a hot rock, leaving you doing your ‘fish out of water’ impression.
You can skulk away without another word, ruining your one and only chance with this ‘Venus’, or you can go so far out into weirdland that she will think you really original and funny…Or the evil withered twin of someone whose jacket does up at the back….
Either way you’ll know soon enough.
Bear in mind though…if her reply is as weird as your question, you are in trouble deep.

One of the complications of talking to women is that sometimes they actually reply.
If you are lucky this might occasionally involve them using the word, ‘yes,’ …but don’t count on it.
It’s much more likely that you’ll hear something aimed at making Mr Twinky recede like a salted slug…

..It’s going to happen, so you might as well get used to the idea.
Write down a list of the worst put downs you and your friends can think of and get a friend to read them back at you…Loudly!

Practice being unfazed..

Walk away in a manner that suggests you’ve got to get back to your penthouse full of adoring love slaves….
Try not to cry…

Keep your nose in the air, chin up, best foot forward, eye to the future and ear to the ground. If you can do all this and still keep walking, you’ll be doing ok!

Next Week
Number 18 in the series
Talking to women