Call me Ghillie.

An old work mate of mine who catches up from time to time dropped by with a question in mind.

“Mate, do you still have that Ghillie suit?”

Well, actually I do…and the several metres of camo cloth I used to wrap the rifle when hunting many, many years ago. (for some reason the market for secondhand Ghillie Suits is still rather flat)

It emerged that for reasons un-discussed he needed a full camo suit for him and one other person.

Now some of you might be tempted to ask why he wanted the camo but I have learned from painful and bitter experiences that it is most often better Not to ask such questions…   I prefer to make up my own lies rather than listen to other peoples lies. He needed it to uh…oh…Oh hell, why would anyone need camo?

* Typical Ghillie suit normally used for Hunting and Photography

…anyway, as his over detailed and convoluted lie wound it’s way inevitably toward justification for needing such a suit my mind began to wander…. Hmm!

By the time he’d explained his need for the suit I’d hatched a plan myself…

Oh, he  needed the suit alright but I convinced him he needed much more, the whole camo set..

He needed the camo body paint as well…but it was all good, I still had a bit he could have. We arranged a few days for me to get it all together before he dropped by to pick it up.

A rummage through the kids Busy Box* and I’d found the left overs from a kids Face Painting Set. There was no Black but Yellow was nearly gone so I cleaned out the plastic jar and went to the shed.

In the cupboard where I keep thinners, auto paints and polishes there are also a few car beautification products. One of those is Kitten Tire Black Paint. Water based just like kids paints but this flexible paint is tenacious. It never comes out of cloths and the spilled spots seem to take nearly a week to wear off of my hands.

By the time the Ghillie suit was picked up it came with a set of different coloured body paints, a new brush and instructions to completely brush the very conspicuous face, neck and hands area with a good coat or two of the Black.

I didn't hear anything for several weeks but eventually the call came, I can remember it almost word for word but if I wrote it minus the swear words there wouldn’t be anything left for you to read.

I told him they had no choice but to let it wear off, and wear off it did.

With several washes a day they had convincingly Black faces for a week and bits here and there for nearly three weeks. They’d had to go to work like that and one of the two had gone to a parent/teacher interview.

They got me back of course, but that’s another story. 

*Scraps of paper, lace and any craft materials that may be needed… one day

*Spot me if you can...

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Disorder in the Court

Dear Penis

Since I've been away misbehaving.....
I thought I'd better post something to let you know I'm still alive.

Hi Guys!



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A Word To The Wise...

* This happened to one of my daughters at primary school...they seriously wanted to suspend the boy concerned. I found it difficult to take it that seriously...

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

"Everything has a purpose" he said for no reason at all.

A mighty oak is the result of a nut that held its ground.

* "How fast did you say he was going?"

Trying is the first step to failing.

Start planning today, to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

*Dont you love it when the kids get into your makeup after watching Batman?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me!

YESTERDAY was the last day for complaints.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

 *C'mon girls...you KNOW you want him....

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Wise Words

·  The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

·  "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

·  Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

·  If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

·  I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.

·  Well-behaved women rarely make history

·  We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police.

·  My Ex-wife is an excellent housekeeper. Every time she divorces, she keeps the house.

·  "Half of the people in the world are below average."

·  "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

·  "A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."

·  "When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing".

·  It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.

·  Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

·  Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

·  Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon…

·  The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

·  The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

·  “GOD created the world, everything else is made in china.”




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Camping the Australian way

Just last weekend I was looking for a nice spot to camp for the night near Boolaroo in South Australia’s Southern Flinders Ranges, I selected a spot and parked the ute under the shade of several tall Eucalypt trees on the bank of a dry creek. (It’s Autumn here)

As always I made my camp with a mixture of small tarps, poles and ropes, with a comfortable folding chair and small gas cartridge stove. A quick and easy camp that can be set up and broken down in less than a half hour with my very comfortable bed just a mattress in the back of the Toyota.

After a nice dinner made on the tailgate of the ute and a couple of beers I ended up in bed for a well-earned sleep, laying there watching the stars I had no idea what terrors the morning would bring…

 * Part of Horrocks Gorge, one of the several passes through the Flinders Ranges.

I awoke about 6.30am as the sun peeked over the hills and with a very busy day planned I decided to get up and have breakfast. I picked up the stove and breakfast box from the ground under the rear of the car and started the billy to boil while I made my way to the cab to see what the time actually was. Standing there with the door open a movement caught my eye, a big Wolf Spider (over 3 inches across) made its way from inside the door jam, across the dashboard and hid behind the GPS.

For a minute I considered the possibilities of having my very own Wolf Spider security system and wondered how loud a ‘would be’ GPS thief would scream as it ran across his hand… but NO, I can’t rely on the spider staying put and searching the car every time I got in would become tiresome.

I gently moved it back toward the open door and made sure it made its way back to the ground where it scurried under the car. Hmm, one spider is pretty much normal for an Australian morning in the bush…

Back to the still heating water I noticed the gas flame was low and needed a new gas cartridge, I clicked open the lid on my breakfast box to be greeted by another medium sized Wolf Spider between the lid and inner, again I gently returned the spider to the ground then flipped open the gas cartridge holder on the stove. 

A huge Wolf Spider was spanned well over and across the canister and after a moments hesitation it took off toward my bedding. I had to move fast and the only tool I had at hand was my hand.. I put my hand in front of the spider making it turn and gently steering to go back to the gas stove. I lifted the stove back to the ground and rattled it gently to make the spider leave; it scurried away under the car.

That’s three now! Hmm, by now I was thinking I had camped in a bad spot.

Next to me on the ground was a spare blue tarp still folded as I’d left it.. Hmm, I wonder! I picked up the tarp and shook it gently, sure enough another large spider dropped out from between the folds and wandered away, I put my shoes on...

This all made me start thinking about the ‘thing’ that had crawled across my leg during the night… at the time I’d slapped at it quite hard wanting to make sure I killed whatever it was; after all there’s nothing you want to remove gently during the night…except maybe, Underwear!

After breakfast I packed the car paying particular attention to potential spider infestations and headed off to do what I’d planned for that day.

* Mount Remarkable to the left, looking North along the inland side of the Ranges.

Late the same evening I got home and started unpacking the ute, placing everything back in its place for next time. Some of it goes into my spare room in the house so all of that was double checked for spiders again.

Satisfied that I was potentially spider free I headed out to buy dinner, I had only made it a couple of blocks when a large Wolf Spider ran across my windscreen, in the darkness it took a few seconds to work out which side of the glass it was on… thankfully outside; but it was heading toward my open window.

I wound with a fury and managed to get the glass up before it got to me, a moment later it disappeared into the darkness. I kind of hoped it had fallen off but then felt guilty that it may have been killed.

With dinner safely bought and hermetically sealed in the car with me I made my way home wondering if the car would ever be truly mine again…

An hour later I had to go out again and this time a large spider had barred entry to the car itself and sat proudly right in the middle of the drivers door. (maybe the previous one?)  I chased it off onto the ground where it ran across the floor and into the stack of shovels, rakes and other garden implements stacked against the shed wall.

It’s just as well I’m not scared of Wolf Spiders….much!

ASIDE:

We’ve all seen pictures of ancient temples from across the world all covered in vines and trees and full of every kind of critter, even recently abandoned places like Chernobyl have been overtaken by Nature already but at least in other places Nature waits for places to be abandoned first…except in Australia.

Australian critters are prepared to move in while were still using it and either share or.. if necessary, kill us and take over!

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Aresoles

My mate Ben recently  died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was Ben, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two best friends, Stan  and me.

Stan: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Stan looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't Ben."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought me in.

Me: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't Ben."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Me: "Ben had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Me: "Everybody knew Ben had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes Ben with those two assholes!"