Friday, December 28, 2012


A couple was driving the car on a country road. Suddenly a three legged chicken came running after the car, passed it and run into a side road.

"Wow!" said the husband "Did you see how fast that chicken could run!" Shortly after another chicken came and passed the car with a tremendous speed. The wife said "And did you see that it had three legs!"

Now they were really curious about these chickens so they descided to follow the road where the three legged chickens just went. Eventually they came up to a farm and to their surprise there were many three legged chickens running around. The farmer came out to greet them. Now they had to ask him about how is it possible to breed three legs chickens?

The farmer explained: "You see we are three in this family, me, my wife and our son. And every time we had chicken to eat, we all wanted the chicken club. So we tried and tried and managed to create a rase of three legged chicken so we all could have a leg!

Fantastic! And how does this chickens taste?
"Well", said the farmer, "there is a problem - we have still not been able to catch one!"

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

   One day this one lady got bitten by a rabid dog so she went to the hospital. The doctor told her that it was a terrible and severe bite so he suggested that she'd write a will. So she did and just kept writing and writing and writing.
    After a long while, the doctor came back while she was still writing.
    He asked her, "Wow, that's a rather long will!."
    She responded, "No it's not a will, it's a list of people I'm gonna bite."


Sunday, December 23, 2012

What Job Adds Really Mean

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. 


Saturday, December 15, 2012


Dear American Citizens,

It's over 225 years since your constitution was drawn up with the right to bear arms. 
Did little children and young people get slaughtered in the school yard back then by righteous gun bearing maniacs?    
 Do you realize that the world you have made is the world that you have. Do you understand that this inalienable right to bear arms is killing your precious future, your babies, your children. You are robbing them of the right to freedom that your forebears fought so viciously for. 
Freedom is not freedom lived in fear, carrying weapons. 
Your losses have become so great, are so painful to the rest of the world, don't you think it is time to revisit this constitution. 
Do you all really have the RIGHT to bear arms? 
Dare to dream about putting down those arms, if you don't do it NOW, then those little children traumatized today, may very well do it for you. Save some lives now, do it today. 
President Obama, have the guts to do what the rest of the world have been thinking for a very long time. Change now, or continue to bear the consequences. 
As for the rest of us, we continue to weep with you for your unbearable loss.

Saturday, December 8, 2012


"the festive season is upon us"  Are you sick of hearing that greeting yet this season? (or a variation thereof)
I must be getting more intolerant as I get older because those words continually (and worst of all) Cheerfully resounded at me really grates on my nerves. My first thought is to offer a suggestion which would see me banned from the shopping centre…again!

"The festive season is upon us"
"Oh really? I hadn't been informed. I mean, I suppose I should have thought something was up when I began to receive dozens of discount catalogues in the mail with 'THE FESTIVE SEASON IS UPON US' written in bold 72-point font, or perhaps I should have paid attention to all the twinkling lights, glistening decorations and vomit inducing Christmas carols along with my rising sense of dread…Now it all makes sense!"

After many years of disastrous yuletide socializing, I offer you what little I've learned.
For a time I battled against the tide with a strategy of Bah-humbug! but that just led to people asking why I felt that way or trying to change my mind…if I wanted to change my mind I'd go to a bloody social worker wouldn't I?
No, I suggest you do not try to spread the Bah-humbug virus but instead devise a strategy to arm yourself sensibly against the most stupid conversations you will endure all year.

Christmas, as you know is not just about peace, goodwill and needless spending. In Australia, Christmas is also about binge drinking, emotional desperation and saying things just for the sake of it. "Merry Christmas", "Happy new year" "Peace be upon you" (I could go on but I'm already feeling the phlegm rise)
Intoxication, libido and meaningless greetings conspire to erode the normal social conversation into a suffocating pile of sticky despair.

There are a number of ways to manage these conversations. First you could select an option I have found effective and become a recluse around the end of November, only venturing out when your stocks of dog food get low. I understand the need and can survive on dry bread and black coffee but the dogs get all funny and start eyeing off my legs when confronted by an empty food bowl. Besides the Christmas season gets longer year by year with decorations seemingly appearing just after Easter now, at this rate I would have become a full time recluse….

For a time I wrote and rehearsed well worn conversation pieces that I could bring up and chat away without having to disturb my brain hardly at all, but people get suspicious when you say the same thing every time you see them year after year; or answer their sad story about the recent passing of the family dog with "That’s great, hope the rest of your Christmas goes as well, Bye now!"

The best strategy I've found is to join them. Remember the old saying? If you cant beat them, join them.
Popular and simple to execute, this solution is as easy as beginning each festive conversation as though it were written by an enthusiastic, drunk and horny Hallmark employee and then, becoming both drunk and horny yourself. Most of you will find those last two requirements quite easy to fulfill. Further I suggest you begin binge drinking around November 1 and don’t stop until the end of February. . . at least!



Thursday, November 29, 2012


Pogona vitticeps
These lizards are very common here, you usually see them perched right at the top of bushes, posts etc where they use the suns warming rays to heat their bodies and prepare for hunting. Most times they will remain absolutely still, relying on their camouflage to keep them safe from predators. They eat pretty much anything they can fit into their mouths including flowers and fruit (they love strawberries) insects, lizards and like I said, anything that fits their mouth. 

 Ive been trying to catch one for you for about 9 months and saw a huge nearly black one recently but my offsider was too scared to act as a decoy so I could catch it. At well over two feet long and wild, it may have been too much for me to handle anyway..

I was walking through a graveyard recently and only noticed this one because as I walked right next to it I thought it was a strange ornament to be placing on top of a grave so I went back to look again. 

I caught it just as I always do, stealth! 
They look at your eyes, scanning them for any sign that you've noticed them in which case they run like hell and you have very little chance of catching them. I averted my eyes as I put one hand around behind it and grabbed the very tip of it's tail. As soon as it feels your touch it turns to bite you so you have to be quick to lift it off it's perch before it bites…it missed me by only an inch, close! (I'm getting slow with old age)

With it's size and having a small head I think it was a young female only two or three years old. Her natural colour is camo brown with tans through to blacks but they change colour to suit their environments and only go red/orange like this for display, mating and when theyre really pissed off like this one is.
She really wanted to bite me… But they have no sharp teeth and the bite is nothing more than a clamping sensation resulting in little or no damage.

Underneath she's quite smooth with tiny scales much like the soft underbelly of most snakes and lizards.
On top though this is a very interesting lizard, those sharp points are modified scales and they are hard and sharp but the underlying skin is very soft and rubbery so the points move about easily. If you were biting or eating this lizard it wouldn’t be nice in the mouth but little else. It's full of bluff, it puffs up the collar under it's head, changes colour and hisses at you with mouth open hoping to make you think twice about eating it, if that fails it runs like heck. 
I had my offsider take these shots then I put her carefully back where she came from to continue to terrorise the local bug and flower population. 

I bet she gets a lot of tasty fresh flowers in her graveyard home.


Wednesday, November 21, 2012


A husband is sent out by his wife to buy some fruit and vegetables. But she insisted they had to be organic. He goes to the market and has a good look around but can't find any.
So he grabs an old, tired-looking employee and says, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'
The produce guy looks at him and says, 'No. You'll have to do that yourself.'

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. `You'll get your chance in court,' says the desk sergeant. `No, no, no!' says the man. 'I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!'

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After applying her 'miracle' products, she asked, `Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?'
Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, 'Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.'
`Oh, you flatter me!'
`Hey, wait a minute! I haven't added them up yet.'

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small-town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches.
They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor Bridge, and the Texan is further unimpressed, 'I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy.'
The Sydney-Newcastle Expressway also gets his scorn. `Is this a road, or a track?' he shouts with contempt.
So when a kangaroo jumps out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver can't help himself.
`Bloody grasshoppers!' he mutters…….

A twelve-year-old boy goes up to his Tasmanian  neighbor and says, 'I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.'
The Tasmanian guy laughs and answers, 'The joke's on you,
Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah – I wasn't even home last night.'


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Tulka Fires 2012

After many decades without fire the Tulka area near Port Lincoln was dry and had a lot of built up undergrowth. In 2005 a fire broke out sweeping across 145,000 Hectares, it killed 9 people and injured 113. A total of 93 homes were lost along with 50 other buildings, 100 vehicles and 30,000 livestock. Huge areas were evacuated and no one will forget the pictures of people standing in the sea to escape the flames that drove them there as they watched everything they owned destroyed.
Our state was in shock for months and the result was a heavy upgrade of fire fighting equipment, contingency plans, escape routes and fire fighting water supplies.

Just a week ago it happened again…
It started close to the previous fire and followed a similar pattern, burning in inaccessible areas until it built up then sweeping across the roads to attack the built up areas.
This time though, with more money expended and our firefighters ready for the fight the statistics are far more reasonable. (unless you owned one of the houses lost)
Farmers had time to cut their fences to release stock, homes were abandoned early and firefighters manned (and womanned) every possible firefighting vehicle… the entire state held our collective breaths.

This time we lost 9 homes, 11 sheds and just 850 Hectares of land.
With the reduction in losses we were able to concentrate on the wildlife like never before.
Kangaroos simply hop over fences and get away, Wombats dig their burrows deeper and survive in the cool earth but Koalas cant run or hide and generally die a miserable death.
The last fire destroyed countless Koalas over a huge area, a rare and special sub species was lost forever. Thankfully there were areas with far too many Koalas so they were simply moved into the fire damaged areas as regrowth appeared to support them.
This fire killed many of the imported animals and so with the state already prepared for an onslaught of injured humans they swung into action to save as many of the injured animals as they could. 

*This little Kangaroo has burned feet and lost his mother in the fire, he's being cared for in the home of a wildlife warrior and will be released when possible.



Sunday, November 11, 2012

Things real men dont say...

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
2. No, I don’t want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her boobs are just too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.

5. Sure, I’d love to wear a condom.
6. I have not been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.
7. Screw Monday night football; let’s watch dancing with the stars.
8. It’s late. Put your clothes back on and I’ll take you home.
9. Honey, I’m going to the store, do you need some tampons?
10. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
11. I’m sick of beer; give me a large fruit juice with a lemon twist.

12. Great, your Mother is coming to stay with us again.
13. This movie has way too much nudity.
14. I better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don’t look at them anymore.
15. Damn, we’re late for church!
16. No, I don’t want to see your sister’s boobs.
17. Put your bra and panties on for Christ’s sake.
18. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor Tammy knows that her bathroom drapes are open. Maybe I should tell her.
19. No way, you weeded the garden and washed the car last week, it’s my turn now.
20. I understand.


Monday, November 5, 2012


Fewer than half the roads in Australia are paved, way fewer than half.
Most are simply graded dirt, some with a thin layer of crushed rock rollered down on the bare earth, it's not because we're too laid back and don’t care…OK, so it is because we're too laid back and don’t care!
Either way, Australia is the natural stomping ground of the 4WD off road vehicle, not those plastic pretend 4WD's from the suburbs, the real ones. (lets not get into what makes a REAL 4WD)

* Cant miss it mate, it's the brown Toyota.

Over the years I've seen many pretend 4WDs stuck where I could get my 2WD through, in fact if we go back 30 years when cheap 4WDs were non existent, I drove my 2WD Ford back and forth across the country, up mountains and through creeks that are considered 4WD only these days. I got it stuck a great many times and we winched, dug, pushed and pulled it through almost impossible terrain. All we had was a hand winch, shovel, axe and chains….and that most valuable asset, Youth!

 *My little Tojo NOT making the crossing.

 *watch the water hazard

I was reminded of this just recently when my son-in-law bought his first 4WD, within two weeks he'd decided he could drive it down onto one of our secluded beaches where it promptly sank to the floor pan. The call for help went out…
They shoveled all afternoon as they watched the tide coming in, eventually they gave the car up as lost and emptied everything out of it. Sitting exhausted on the beach watching the water encroach on his pride and joy they took the photo you will see here. Just then Uncle Mark drove up in his F100 Ford, hooked up and had the 4WD dragged back to the beach within seconds…lesson learned.

Here then is a celebration of getting the unstickable stuck..


*Even the Police occasionally stuff up.

*I've done this trick myself a few times

*Not to worry, the tide will go down in 6 hours and knowing Toyota's this one will probably  drive away under it's own steam.

*Son-in-laws Mitsubishi left for dead on Mininini beach. (try pronouncing that after a few beers)


Friday, November 2, 2012

Who saw this coming?

Wow. Here I am writing about this. Who saw that coming?
Sooner or later everybody becomes something they never thought they'd be. A bloke with loans to pay and kids to raise. A clone of their own parent. A country music fan*. Life can be terrifyingly unpredictable that way.
How many times have you caught yourself saying something your mum or dad used to say to you?
‘When I was a kid….’
‘…if you do that one more time!’
‘..a wigwam for a gooses bridal’ (ok, so I never used that one)
‘…Because I said so!’
‘Just because!...’

I guess it’s not surprising that we remember well those things our parents say to us (scream at us) and I personally have had many of those sad moments when I hear myself channelling my mother.
So now I find myself looking at a bloke I never thought I’d become, I hardly recognise myself from that small quiet lad that had very different ideas of where life was taking him…I know it’s still me though! I can tell from the complaining!

So what weirdness did your parents scream, yell or say to you that left you as obviously twisted as you are?

* I am in no way a country music fan. (just saying)

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Shoe Tree

Before you come UP here to Australia for your holiday of a lifetime there are things you should know about Australia.
The animals of course, many and varied, weird and wonderful they are too, but lets talk about the population of humans, now we're really talking weird….
Australians can find a good laugh where it ought not be, I guess we've always had to or there'd be precious little laughing going on up here.
Among the best fun is poking fun at your betters.. (for lack of a better term)…(turns head to side and spits downward…sorry Max!)

I was resting against a tree one hot day watching a single ant struggle with it's burden of one large crumb. As I watched it toil over rough ground it simply tripped over it's own front foot and face planted into the dust, it let go it's crumb and circled menacingly for several seconds gnashing it's fangs before resuming it's crumby journey. It seemed angry, very angry.
I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. Who knew ants got angry? Who knew they could feel embarrassed? Who knew they could trip over? …all those legs and he still couldn’t get it right.

Where was I… Oh yeah,

S 34° 32.097 E 135° 40.226

Driving along a quiet country road between Port Lincoln and Cummins last weekend I came across a typically absurd Aussie joke. (South Australia)
As I pulled over to take a few photos and collect the nearby Geocache   (  ) another car pulled up with two very old women in it. It turned out that one of the women had come to check that her shoes were still in good shape. She told me the story thus:

Some unknown local had at some unknown time and for some unknown reason tied two mens shoes together by the laces and thrown them over a high branch at the side of the road. (There are no houses, turns, intersections nor anything remarkable within many miles.)

That’s it.. end of story!
So.. someone else wrote their name and date on a pair of shoes and threw them over the branch.
So.. someone else wrote their name and date on a pair of shoes and threw them over the branch.
So.. someone else wrote their name and date on a pair of shoes and threw them over the branch…. you get the idea.. right?

Here we are many years later and this poor old tree is festooned with shoes, there are many on other branches, some right at the top and some in every corner of the tree.
There are none dropped on the ground, none old and gnarled and none full of spider webs, someone is doing the housework.
I'm told there in an Underwear tree somewhere in South Australia and I know of another covered in bits of cloth tied to every branch.

You may decide you want to ask 'Why?'…but that would be like yelling "The king has no clothes!" You don’t ask why, you just go along with the joke (whatever that was) or not..

To the Grammar Nazis: Yeah, I know…but what you going to do….


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Why I dont work there anymore....

 I bet you're wondering how I rolled a road roller on a flat road aren't you?

Who knew you could start an aircraft in gear? let alone that it could start moving and shred another plane like that. (the local universities learn to fly plane)
 It's not my fault...they should have painted their ute a bright colour... like Red..Oh..Right! was only a little bomb..


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Only Joking

You’ve heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

 I love this photo, some countries just know how to load a truck dont they? (I think theres a truck under there)

 Do you see what I see? (or is there something seriously wrong with me?)