WHEN ALL ELF FAILS

"the festive season is upon us"  Are you sick of hearing that greeting yet this season? (or a variation thereof)

I must be getting more intolerant as I get older because those words continually (and worst of all) Cheerfully resounded at me really grates on my nerves. My first thought is to offer a suggestion which would see me banned from the shopping centre…again!

"The festive season is upon us"

"Oh really? I hadn't been informed. I mean, I suppose I should have thought something was up when I began to receive dozens of discount catalogues in the mail with 'THE FESTIVE SEASON IS UPON US' written in bold 72-point font, or perhaps I should have paid attention to all the twinkling lights, glistening decorations and vomit inducing Christmas carols along with my rising sense of dread…Now it all makes sense!"

After many years of disastrous yuletide socializing, I offer you what little I've learned.

For a time I battled against the tide with a strategy of Bah-humbug! but that just led to people asking why I felt that way or trying to change my mind…if I wanted to change my mind I'd go to a bloody social worker wouldn't I?

No, I suggest you do not try to spread the Bah-humbug virus but instead devise a strategy to arm yourself sensibly against the most stupid conversations you will endure all year.

Christmas, as you know is not just about peace, goodwill and needless spending. In Australia, Christmas is also about binge drinking, emotional desperation and saying things just for the sake of it. "Merry Christmas", "Happy new year" "Peace be upon you" (I could go on but I'm already feeling the phlegm rise)

Intoxication, libido and meaningless greetings conspire to erode the normal social conversation into a suffocating pile of sticky despair.

There are a number of ways to manage these conversations. First you could select an option I have found effective and become a recluse around the end of November, only venturing out when your stocks of dog food get low. I understand the need and can survive on dry bread and black coffee but the dogs get all funny and start eyeing off my legs when confronted by an empty food bowl. Besides the Christmas season gets longer year by year with decorations seemingly appearing just after Easter now, at this rate I would have become a full time recluse….

For a time I wrote and rehearsed well worn conversation pieces that I could bring up and chat away without having to disturb my brain hardly at all, but people get suspicious when you say the same thing every time you see them year after year; or answer their sad story about the recent passing of the family dog with "That’s great, hope the rest of your Christmas goes as well, Bye now!"

The best strategy I've found is to join them. Remember the old saying? If you cant beat them, join them.

Popular and simple to execute, this solution is as easy as beginning each festive conversation as though it were written by an enthusiastic, drunk and horny Hallmark employee and then, becoming both drunk and horny yourself. Most of you will find those last two requirements quite easy to fulfill. Further I suggest you begin binge drinking around November 1 and don’t stop until the end of February. . . at least!

Cheers!

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