Saturday, December 8, 2012

WHEN ALL ELF FAILS





"the festive season is upon us"  Are you sick of hearing that greeting yet this season? (or a variation thereof)
I must be getting more intolerant as I get older because those words continually (and worst of all) Cheerfully resounded at me really grates on my nerves. My first thought is to offer a suggestion which would see me banned from the shopping centre…again!

"The festive season is upon us"
"Oh really? I hadn't been informed. I mean, I suppose I should have thought something was up when I began to receive dozens of discount catalogues in the mail with 'THE FESTIVE SEASON IS UPON US' written in bold 72-point font, or perhaps I should have paid attention to all the twinkling lights, glistening decorations and vomit inducing Christmas carols along with my rising sense of dread…Now it all makes sense!"




After many years of disastrous yuletide socializing, I offer you what little I've learned.
For a time I battled against the tide with a strategy of Bah-humbug! but that just led to people asking why I felt that way or trying to change my mind…if I wanted to change my mind I'd go to a bloody social worker wouldn't I?
No, I suggest you do not try to spread the Bah-humbug virus but instead devise a strategy to arm yourself sensibly against the most stupid conversations you will endure all year.

Christmas, as you know is not just about peace, goodwill and needless spending. In Australia, Christmas is also about binge drinking, emotional desperation and saying things just for the sake of it. "Merry Christmas", "Happy new year" "Peace be upon you" (I could go on but I'm already feeling the phlegm rise)
Intoxication, libido and meaningless greetings conspire to erode the normal social conversation into a suffocating pile of sticky despair.



















There are a number of ways to manage these conversations. First you could select an option I have found effective and become a recluse around the end of November, only venturing out when your stocks of dog food get low. I understand the need and can survive on dry bread and black coffee but the dogs get all funny and start eyeing off my legs when confronted by an empty food bowl. Besides the Christmas season gets longer year by year with decorations seemingly appearing just after Easter now, at this rate I would have become a full time recluse….

For a time I wrote and rehearsed well worn conversation pieces that I could bring up and chat away without having to disturb my brain hardly at all, but people get suspicious when you say the same thing every time you see them year after year; or answer their sad story about the recent passing of the family dog with "That’s great, hope the rest of your Christmas goes as well, Bye now!"

The best strategy I've found is to join them. Remember the old saying? If you cant beat them, join them.
Popular and simple to execute, this solution is as easy as beginning each festive conversation as though it were written by an enthusiastic, drunk and horny Hallmark employee and then, becoming both drunk and horny yourself. Most of you will find those last two requirements quite easy to fulfill. Further I suggest you begin binge drinking around November 1 and don’t stop until the end of February. . . at least!

Cheers!


.


13 comments:

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

I've found that simply saying "Merry F*cking Christmas" always has my desired effect; the sanctimonious buggers then leave me alone.

Kal said...

Ha ha...you bitterness is like a the sweetest wine to me.

Windsmoke. said...

Christmas is all about big business trying vacuum as much as possible from your wallet/purse and still whinge when its not enough.

Tempo said...

Hi TSB, I cant bring myself to swear like that to strangers unless I'm pissed off at them for some reason... blame my mother for slapping me in the face every time I swore.
Hey Kal, Someone has to take up the job and wear it with a smile. I'm glad our two countries have US to hold the flag aloft and proclaim.. Christmas Sucks!
Hi Windsmoke, couldn't agree more with that sentiment mate, and it would be so easy for society to reject Christmas as it is and start enjoying a more harmonious and family oriented Christmas...Yeah, like thats gunna happen!

Jen said...

People tell me bah humbug because I'm only buying my daughter one gift. She's happy with it. She's not as materialistic as their children, I guess. If they think they're making Jesus proud, let them continue and leave me alone.

Tempo said...

Agreed Jen, Kids are spoiled these days and it doesn't really make them any happier, when they get out of home and into the work place they are in for one heck of a shock. Much better as parents to prepare our kids for real life...

The Jules said...

Here in the UK no-one seems to think xmas has started until they see an advert featuring a coca-f*cking-cola lorry with lights all over it.

I suggest anyone who doesn't find that grump-inducing is not normal.

Pearl said...

We've got the same thing going on in the U.S. but we like to throw in a little "There's a war on Christmas!" indignation on top of it.

We're all about the indignation.

And hey -- if you're pouring, I wouldn't turn down a glass...

Pearl

Tempo said...

Grump inducing...Yep Jules Christmas is definitely grump inducing. A quick trip to the shops turns into a pushing shoving all in battle to get what little thing you want and leaves you humming some nasty carol for the rest of the day..
Ah, Pearl..a war on Christmas...what a good idea, wish I'd thought of that.. Im not against Christmas, Im against this meaningless shopping frenzy we are all pushed into.

Dr. Theda said...

Thank You good Sir for joining my blog , "The Crypt"... ( your "Joker icon does not appear though...) I have checked out your blog many times ...normally when checking through the "comments pages" of other blogs... We hope that you are well and hope that you enjoy your visits to the "Crypt... Dr. Theda
I do Not get into the Holiday Shopping "Mess" partially due to our "socialphobia" issues... but mostly because I am disabled and have no money...

River said...

I wouldn't recommend binge drinking to anyone, but hiding away instead of shopping your bank account away seems like a fine idea. I know the stores would like us to believe that our families will really, really love us if we spend $xxxx on them, but it just isn't true. Families will love us just as they always have if we only buy or make even a small gift. No gift at all, but warm wishes and hugs are just as good, when they kn ow you can't afford to spend.

Tempo said...

Hi Dr Theda and welcome, Nice blogs you have, might take me a while to go back through the archives. Money sure can cramp your style..when you dont have any... and if you didnt have a social phobia before surviving Christmas shopping you sure will after..
Hi River, first you have to actually have money in your bank account before you can throw it all away in some silly gesture.

magsx2 said...

Hi Tempo,
Oh I have missed your posts, you have summed up an Aussie Xmas pretty well.
I am going to be the first one in your comments to say it.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A FABULOUS XMAS, AND NEW YEAR. :)
Enjoy.