A few weeks ago I went to a mates birthday party a few hundred km down the coast at a little seaside town where he owns a plot of land. The new house is not yet started but the important bits are already there, the huge shed with the huge boat, the caravan for holidays and the carport under which I was to be assaulted later.
But I should start at the party..
Starting around midday with a few beers and a few mates getting together to put up windbreaks, firedrums and such. Immediately a local woman showed up to chat, she lived nearby apparently and was obviously bored with living in such a small place. The area has many retirees from the big cities who think life will be awesome living on the coast in a tiny, tiny town with nothing to do.
She was nice to talk to, if you could get a word in, so I spent a good part of the afternoon idly chatting with her.
She hung around pretty much all day and as the people started arriving and the drinks flowing she started budging drinks off anyone she could. I noticed some of the blokes who knew her were deliberately getting her drunk by making sure she always had a full glass. I've seen that done when you want someone asleep in a chair, quiet and out of the way nice and early so I figured this was what I was seeing.
It was several hours until I saw her again, she was across the other side of the carport endlessly talking to people who'd long since lost the will to live. She was pissed and LOUD, and immediately she saw me she threw her hands up and headed my way. There was nowhere to hide so I started to ask "How are you going now?" but I only got to "H" before her tongue was down the back of my throat and her hand was down the front of my pants… all in front of about 80 people who immediately fell into fits of laughter.
It's not like women haven't done that before, girlfriends and the wife who obviously had certain rights in that regard, and
never , hardly ever, only occasionally in public.
But having a near stranger jingle my bells like that was quite a shock, and not in a good way. Seriously just who polishes the family jewels in public like that and what part of the country did she come from where a French Handshake is considered a normal greeting?
I had to insist she remove her hand and leave the contents where they were before going back to my drinking to try to suppress the memory. A few drinks later and I was far less the damaged goods but it's going to take a few more Scotches to dull that particular nightmare…
Not only that but her fingernails could do with a trim..