Monday, May 21, 2012

Jingle Bells


A few weeks ago I went to a mates birthday party a few hundred km down the coast at a little seaside town where he owns a plot of land. The new house is not yet started but the important bits are already there, the huge shed with the huge boat, the caravan for holidays and the carport under which I was to be assaulted later.

But I should start at the party.. 
Starting around midday with a few beers and a few mates getting together to put up windbreaks, firedrums and such. Immediately a local woman showed up to chat, she lived nearby apparently and was obviously bored with living in such a small place. The area has many retirees from the big cities who think life will be awesome living on the coast in a tiny, tiny town with nothing to do.
She was nice to talk to, if you could get a word in, so I spent a good part of the afternoon idly chatting with her.
She hung around pretty much all day and as the people started arriving and the drinks flowing she  started budging drinks off anyone she could. I noticed some of the blokes who knew her were deliberately getting her drunk by making sure she always had a full glass. I've seen that done when you want someone asleep in a chair, quiet and out of the way nice and early so I figured this was what I was seeing.

It was several hours until I saw her again, she was across the other side of the carport endlessly talking to people who'd long since lost the will to live. She was pissed and LOUD, and immediately she saw me she threw her hands up and headed my way. There was nowhere to hide so I started to ask "How are you going now?" but I only got to "H" before her tongue was down the back of my throat and her hand was down the front of my pants…  all in front of about 80 people who immediately fell into fits of laughter.

It's not like women haven't done that before, girlfriends and the wife who obviously had certain rights in that regard, and never , hardly ever, only occasionally in public.
But having a near stranger jingle my bells like that was quite a shock, and not in a good way. Seriously just who polishes the family jewels in public like that and what part of the country did she come from where a French Handshake is considered a normal greeting?
I had to insist she remove her hand and leave the contents where they were before going back to my drinking to try to suppress the memory. A few drinks later and I was far less the damaged goods but it's going to take a few more Scotches to dull that particular nightmare…

Not only that but her fingernails could do with a trim..



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24 comments:

Pearl said...

A French Handshake.

Had never heard that before.

Sounds like li'l missy's got a drinking problem. And boundary issues.

Yeesh!

Pearl

mapstew said...

Hey, you get ALL the fun! They usually only to polish my noggin! :¬)

mapstew said...

(Please insert 'want' between 'only' & 'to'. Thank you kindly!)

Windsmoke. said...

If you'd done that to a woman you'd be called a male chauvinist pig either drunk or sober :-).

magsx2 said...

Hi Tempo,
All I could do was burst out laughing, just couldn't help it.
I assume others knew what she was like seeing as how they were trying or hoping she would pass out.

There should of been a Warning Sign at the very least. LOL

Windsmoke is right on the money though, if that had of happened to a women things would of been a lot different.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Oh you poor bastard!

The shame!

WIndsmoke is right. If the roles had been reversed, you would probably have spent the rest of the day in the chokie, accused of indecent assault or worse.

But.

Did you have fun?

Tempo said...

Hi Pearl, 'Boundary issues'...is not a term outback Aussies would have even heard before, let alone considered.
Hi Map, I'm not thinking it was luck mate, more like the wrong place at the wrong time. Thats what I get for being nice to her earlier in the day.
Hey Windsmoke, thats exactly what I thought to, what she did is considered indecent assault here. I really dont care that much and took it in good spirit but peoples first reaction was to laugh, then I was told I should be grateful.
Hi Mags, I'm sure they knew what she was like and thats why they steered her my way. I'm thinking she should have a nice big sign around her neck but I'm way to polite to say what I think it should say..
Hi TSB,I really didn't have fun, someone pinched a full bottle of 'Canadian Club' Scotch out of my car and when I went to buy another I found they had taken $250. out of my wallet too, lucky though they didn't take the Laptop, camera or GPS unit sitting right there.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

The bastards. A bloke's booze is fair game, but not his wallet.

Anyway, it serves you right for drinking that abomination known as Rye whiskey.


BTW, make sure you get a Tetanus shot. You never know where those fingernails have been.

Steve said...

"French Handshake", I also haven't heard that one before; but I'm sure I'll say it at the earliest chance.
I too seem to attract nutcases, I think they can detect people who are too polite to tell them to fuck off.

Tempo said...

Hi TSB, I cant claim to know anything much about Scotch, or wine, or women, American cars and about a million other things.
As luck would have it I had a tetanus shot about two weeks ago after a particularly blinding day Off Road Racing. LOL
Hi Steve, The French Handshake is actually when you simultaneously handshake someone and use your free hand to grab their balls. (Not that I would ever)((does not work well on women:apparently))
I'm thinking you are right though, I'm way to polite for my own good sometimes(OK...all the time)

Joe Pereira said...

Tempo, that's boody funny. Something only a Sheila tanked up with FourX would do. I must make my way down to Australia, soon as - you can introduce me to your friends. Please. :)

Joe Pereira said...

I meant bloody not boody. Hey, that's a good word! I wonder if it means anything in any other language?

Tempo said...

Hi Joe, Agreed! Us nice quiet and always respectful blokes would never do such a thing...right?
Youre always welcome in Australia Joe.

Sarah said...

Oh, wow! Hopefully you at least got some sympathy points from the crowd at how you were rudely manhandled.

Tempo said...

Oh Sarah, you obviously know little about drunk Australians... They laughed, they giggled, they said I was lucky cause i was getting some, they told me I 'was in' and I think I will hear much more about this over the months.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Please Sarah, he wan't manhandled, Tempo's not some sort of pooftah (I assume).
He was girlhandled.

River said...

She did WHAT???
I'm stunned.
That's not the way women should behave, not even when drunk.

Tempo said...

Hey TSB, quite right too, definitely not gay and definitely womanmollested...
Hi River, Youre stunned?! You can possibly see how shocked I was then. But I'm not scarred for life or anything. (If you want me I'll be in the corner crying) :-)

Belle said...

Yep, that was assault. She is sure a party ruiner! Sometimes you have the worst days; not only did that happen but to have your money and booze stolen is awful. Better stay home in bed with the covers over your head. lol

Tempo said...

Hi Belle, I've actually had worse days.... But that one was way up there. I've shrugged it off as one of those things and it will be forgotten eventually. Thats what I get for being nice...

Belle said...

Tempo, I just read on Pearl's blog how people set fire to the ice cream man's truck. Twice! I guess citizens do their own policing over in Australia! So funny.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

No dinner, no flowers, no sweet talk?? I don't date women who are so crude. I want to be wooed and put on a pedistal.

Adorabibble said...

well at least it was good for her, so you got assaulted and robbed, sounds like a party in Wasilla Ak, minus the meth and guns.
Dude you are way too nice, had you done the same to her, you wouldn't be telling the story to us...
Hang in there buddy. I wish you better get togethers!

Tempo said...

Hi Cal, I wasn't dating her mate...nothing could be further from the truth.
Hi Shan, There would have been more than a few guns (Aussie farmers all got guns)but we never saw any. Def no Meth in this group, but of course Alcohol is possibly the most destructive drug.
You should tell that story one day...