A husband is sent out by his wife to buy some fruit and vegetables. But she insisted they had to be organic. He goes to the market and has a good look around but can't find any.
So he grabs an old, tired-looking employee and says, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'
The produce guy looks at him and says, 'No. You'll have to do that yourself.'
A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. `You'll get your chance in court,' says the desk sergeant. `No, no, no!' says the man. 'I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!'
Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After applying her 'miracle' products, she asked, `Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?'
Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, 'Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.'
`Oh, you flatter me!'
`Hey, wait a minute! I haven't added them up yet.'
A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small-town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches.
They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor Bridge, and the Texan is further unimpressed, 'I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy.'
The Sydney-Newcastle Expressway also gets his scorn. `Is this a road, or a track?' he shouts with contempt.
So when a kangaroo jumps out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver can't help himself.
`Bloody grasshoppers!' he mutters…….
A twelve-year-old boy goes up to his Tasmanian neighbor and says, 'I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.'
The Tasmanian guy laughs and answers, 'The joke's on you,
Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah – I wasn't even home last night.'