Guide to the personal ads..

Like most of us I’m a keen observer of human behaviour, though that’s not to say that I actually understand it any better than anyone else.

I understand men well enough but there’s two points to that…

Firstly I’m not actually interested in men…

Second, they’re not actually that hard to understand anyway. It’s like saying that I completely know how to open a chip packet…yeah, brag on!

I’m also extremely sceptical, so although I read them, I’ve never actually answered one of those personal adverts in newspapers.   No, not the ‘Beautiful woman looking for a good time for a small cash reward’ type advert… the other kind…and it seems that those women are all looking for the same bloke.

They're all into gardening, cooking and the arts, they all like walks/drives in the country, cosy nights in front of the fire, going to the theatre… and men. 

Let me be a little more specific here, they like non smoking, non drinking, employed, healthy professional men with their own hair, no ties and lots of spare time.

Could it be that all these ads are placed by just one deranged field dwelling, log burning, stage door groupie who entices desperate men away from their mothers only to discard them like the little bits of left over soap that you think you can collect and squidge together into a whole bar again, but never can, and end up throwing away just before Christmas when your folks come to visit?

Having read quite a lot of these ‘interesting’ ads I'm beginning to understand the code in which they are written. Here then is a guide to personal ads, a cheat sheet that you will no doubt print and keep in your wallet.

Active- collects her own pension

Adaptable- desperate

Athletic- flat chest, big legs

Alternative- all her tattoos are spelt wrong

Balanced- still experimenting with the dosage

Charming- good at spells

Curvaceous- has not seen her feet in years

Easygoing- no taste or discretion whatsoever

Honest- done time

Independent- no friends

Lively- caffeine addicted

Loyal- stalker

Mature- smells of moth balls

Outgoing- no fixed abode

Petite- anorexic

Romantic- looks better in low light

Sensual- given to excess

Sexy- would like to be..

Sensitive- has unidentified rash

Voluptuous- more Chins than a Chinese phonebook

Warm- sweats a lot

Well travelled- wanted by the police

Young at heart- pacemaker still working well

Zany- wears different coloured socks

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