Odds and Ends

Just cleaning out my files and found a few unrelated funnies that need sharing before deleting.

I once knew a woman whose virginity grew back….
..or so she claimed. (who am I to have doubts) Actually this one is true...

I discovered that even though I wash my hands when I’ve been to the toilet…
It’s a good idea to wash your hands beforehand as well when you've been chopping Chilies. Actually, so is this one...

Definition of car insurance: It’s a betting payment. I’m betting that I’m going to crash my car in the next twelve months. They’re betting that I’m not… and I’m hoping they win!

The three rings of marriage
The engagement ring
The wedding ring
The Suffering

The feeling you get when you find one chip in the box when you thought you had none, is not the same feeling you get when you think you have one left, but find none.

Let me know if i say anything that offends you ... I might want to offend you again later!!!

One of my nipples is a different colour to the other two. Is this normal?

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.


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Caught Out …Twice!

There are several different types of Geocaches, most are simply a camouflaged small container just large enough to hold a small notepad and a few trinkets. Obviously the container should be water and bug proof. But there are some that require following the given coordinates to get information to get to a second cache site, these are called Multi’s. Sometimes you have to take a pic of you at the point to claim the find, or get words or numbers from the cache site to claim the find.
So it was on a nice Saturday afternoon we found ourselves Salmon fishing quite close to a cache… or so my GPS claimed.
We four followed the GPS to a small hut close to the Lighthouse and began the usual hunt, firstly sneaking a look here and there to make sure you aren’t being watched. Then later as desperation sets in, searching every nook and cranny…twice, three, four times.
Over and again we searched the entire area better than a police forensic search party. After two separate searches and nearly an hour wasted I finally stopped looking down and started walking away.(kicking rocks) As I walked past a very small hut near ground zero I noticed a sign on it listing the areas history, as I read the sign it occurred to me there were a lot of dates on it, enough possibly to be used as a code. I took a snap of the sign just in case, and then went back to fishing.
Later at home I went to the web site, looked up the cache and discovered that indeed I had it right…or half right anyway. The numbers were a code which gave another set of co-ordinate numbers, these numbers will take me about six miles further down the coast to the next point and ultimately the cache site.
Its going to have to wait until I’m out that way fishing again but the lesson learned was that I really should have read the site notes before wasting all that time gardening.

Today I had a stack of missed calls and messages from my daughter who was out in the bush near town looking for a cache in which I’d put a trackable tag I’d bought and named for her. Of course she wanted to be first to move it but I’d put it halfway up the only mountain for many miles in a multi cache. She didn’t check the site information before going after it and spent a long hour thrashing the bush around a road sign that they only had to read to get the second site coordinates. They ended up out in the bush with their laptop, broadband dongle, mobiles and GPS just to find a small lunchbox.

I had a really good laugh remembering that I’d done just the same thing last weekend… we both learned a lesson from it. . . maybe!





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Speedway

The back of the seat with the purple disc brake and sliced seat.

The red and purple disc assembly and the back of the seat.





This original pic is how we got the car at the very start of the season, it changed quite a lot over the year.







I crew for a Speedway racing team here in Oz, last year was our first in Formula 500 and we managed 5th nationally in our class. The first year with a new car is all about surviving and learning…we did both.
We run a highly modified 850cc four cylinder Yamaha race engine on Methanol. Weighing in at just 260kg wet, the car has three speeds and 135 horsepower at the wheels which means of course that it goes like you would not believe. It wheelstands from one end of the track to the other only touching down briefly as the driver gets off the power to make the corner, and it couldn’t even manage that without those big wings. It eats custom built race gearboxes at around one every eight to ten meetings, and $1,200 worth of race tires every race… but apparently it needs more power.
A new larger Kawasaki motor is being built which promises around 160 horsepower plus, and that’s with lots of development still to come. We’re experimenting with a new custom belt drive which will give us a few extra horses IF it holds together.
The real reason behind the final drive change is because we had a bad thing happen at the end of last season. Our car got hit and slammed into the wall going sideways at over 60mph. He kept the power on and continued the last half a lap till the end of the race, but it all went wrong just before the line. Damaged tie rods gave way under the load and the entire drive train was slammed forward into the driver by the chain drive. Sparks engulfed the car and the driver said he could feel great heat on his back. Harnessed in, he couldn’t move at all and just had to ride it out. The car was deemed un-repairable on site and was loaded back into the truck.
When it arrived back home I pulled it apart to find the disc brake had sawed right through the alloy race seat, right through the seat insert, right through the padding and burned the inner face of the race seat. That’s just 3mm (1/8in) from the drivers back right over his kidney.
It’s the off season here at the moment so the car is totally stripped, the engine is away being rebuilt, all the parts are stripped, washed and are being crack checked before being repainted and rebuilt. I’ve made enough new alloy panels and new wings for the start of the new season, and everything is coming together just fine.
Last season we ran in Saloon category as well and I had to remake three full front ends in the other car after it hit the fence several times during the season. That’s not to mention a full set of new panels every single time it raced.

I don’t travel all over the country with the racers, I wait home and hope there are no calls to start building new parts or prepare chassis tube.
I’m starting to feel tired just thinking about the upcoming season which starts in early September…

PS: Latest news is the Kawasaki motor will come with a new American made chassis, the latest of everything (all imported from the USA) and everything else we will need to run TWO Formula 500 cars for next season.

I’m just going to have a little lie down……………………….



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ASK UNCLE KYMBO

Dear Kymbo,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off to work, leaving my husband watching TV. My car stalled, and then broke down about a mile from home, I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors’ daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbors’ daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months.
He wont go to counseling and I’m feeling a complete wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,
Don’t worry, you’ve come to the right place for help.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel lines, if it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all the grounding wires for lose or broken connections. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I trust this will solve your problems.
Kymbo

Only In Australia?

Many years ago when I started a job at a new organization, I was paired with an older tradesman and a younger apprentice.
For many weeks we three traveled together in a two door, bench seat work ute several times a day…to work, to different jobs then home again.

The older tradie always drove and from day one I considered the car was a piece of rubbish. The tradie would have to rev it hard in first gear then slip it straight into third gear…where it stayed…reving it’s head off. (‘H’ pattern manual gearbox) I assumed the gearbox was broken, or the selector…or something.

After quite some weeks an occasion came up where I was called upon to drive back to our workshop to get some parts from our storeman, then back to the worksite.
With some apprehension I took my place behind the wheel and turned the key…
Straight into first gear, I knew that one worked… rev like heck then into third.. chug, chug and away I went.
As I drove I gently tested out the gears to see if I could find second or fourth, to my great surprise they were both there, and working fine.
The ute drove great with not the slightest defect.

I didn’t say anything to my workmates but observed the tradie closely from then on. It was always the same…first gear, then third…
I wondered if the tradie didn’t know how to drive a manual and had been too embarrassed to say anything, or maybe he was just weird…

Toward the end of out three months together the apprentice had to go to trade school for a few days and with only the tradie and I in the car, he drove perfectly.
I was stunned.. I just had to ask!
In a very ‘matter of fact’ manner he simply said..
“I’m not putting my hand between another blokes legs…”
The apprentice you see, always sat in between us…with one leg either side of the gear stick… True story.