A couple had been married for ten years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Now that ten years had passed, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She decided to break her husband out of this strange habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming session, she turned on the light. She looked down to see her husband holding a massive battery- operated vibrator.
`You impotent bastard!' she screamed, 'How could you lie to me all these years?!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: `OK, I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
St Peter addresses this guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the kingdom of heaven?' The guy replies, 'I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver.'
St Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.'
The taxi-driver goes into heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years.'
St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.'
`Just a minute', says the minister. 'That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?'
'Up here, we work by results,' says St Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.'
An old cowboy sits in a saloon and orders a drink. A young woman sits down next to him. `Excuse me, are you a real cowboy?' she asks.
'Well, I break colts, work cows, go to rodeos, bail hay, doctor calves, clean my barn and work on tractors, so I guess that makes me a cowboy through and through!.. What do you do sweetheart?'
The woman replies, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend all day thinking about women. As soon as I wake up, I think about women. When I'm having a shower, I think about women. When I drive my car, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
They sat drinking in silence.
A few minutes later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrives and bets $20 000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude.'
With that she strips from her neck down, rolls the dice and yells, `Mamma needs new clothes!'
Then she yells and screams, 'Yes! Yes! I won, I won!'
She jumps up and down and hugs each of the dealers. With that she picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, What did she roll?'
The other answers, `I thought you were watching!'
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.