A little Tool humour...

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching the flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh sh—--“.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing job.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can, after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer today is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or elastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.




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The olden days. .

 

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell . ...... . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive... So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring

Why women live longer than men.

 We've known that women outlive men by many years but this study suggests there are good reasons why this is so. . .

. . and there are some who seem to be trying to die early. . .




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Cracked it...

Ive been thinking about this for some time and Ive finally cracked it...

The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30....

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The Aussie BBQ...or Russian Roulette for food.

Anyone can cook meat, all you need is a frypan, temperature controlled stove and a dash of oil.

It takes a real man to cook on raging flames, with the temperature fluctuating between burn and incinerate, when even getting close enough to flip the meat might cost you an eyebrow..thats what makes  it 'Mans work'.

* Perfect, the meat should go on NOW

With a beer in one hand (to put yourself out when you catch fire) and tongs in the other you dash headlong into the flames, turning that which seems scorched enough and moving to the side that which is still on fire, then dash back checking for burning eyebrows and forearms as you do. A long slurp on the beer about now will cool your burning throat..

Now stand back for a few minutes as you recover from the incineration, slurp a few more times on the beer still in your hand and laugh with friends, telling jokes about women, cars, work or the weather. All to soon it's time to tackle the flames again as you prepare by drinking more beer for the upcoming fight, thankful for the fireproof apron and burn cream already rubbed into the groin.

Before long though the cooking is over as most of the meat is set and shrunk like a rubber shoe sole, a sure sign that it's cooked enough. Regardless of the amount of carbon on the surface the cook declares the meat 'cooked' and 'perfect'.

 *Of course you've locked the dog away in the back room from where he looks at you all day like this through the window...

At this stage the guests turn to the woman of the house who has washed and cleaned the BBQ and area beforehand, made numerous salads and sides, supplied drinks, classes, and cutlery, welcomed the guests and continually nudged the man of the house to remind him to turn the meat.

The guests help themselves as is the Australian way, taking a plate, piling up the sides and salads and sorting through the meat for the least burned bits (of whatever that is/was)

After stuffing themselves with beer, salads and meat guests invariably thank the man of the house for HIS great BBQ, the woman of the house would be there...but she's in the kitchen washing dishes and putting away.

* You can see this meat is nearly done by that nice shade of black gradually creeping over the steaks

NB: the woman of the house seems frustrated and tired which greatly confuses the man of the house...after all, HE did all the cooking!

 *You can even BBQ in the great outdoors by mounting the BBQ on the boot of your car like this tripper, you could BBQ as you wait for the kids to come out of school or even while filling up with fuel. (Watch out for the police though)

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Jello Shots for all...

*FIRE BALLS* boil 2 cups water, add jello, 1/2 cup cold water, 2 cups Cinnamon Whisky

*CHERRY BOMBS* boil 1 cup Red Bull, add cherry jello, 1 cup vodka and drop in one maraschino cherry before firm

*RUMMY BEARS* 1 cup boiling water, add any random flavor jello and 1 cup berry vodka, 1 gummy bear in the center of each shot

*LEMON DROPS* boil 1 cup water, add lemon jello, citrus vodka, top with sugar sprinkles just before it’s fully firm

*JOLLY RANCHERS* boil 1 cup water, add melon jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup apple pucker

*JAGER BOMBS* boil 1 cup red bull (in place of water), add black cherry or orange jello, 1 cups jager

*KINKY MALIBU BARBIE* Boil 1 cup water, add peach jello, 1/2 cup Kinky Liquer, 1/2 cup Malibu Coconut Rum

*KILLER KOOL AID* 1 1/2 cups of boiling water. Dissolve 2 boxes of Cranberry Jello (3oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 3/4 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Vodka, 1/2 cup of Gin, 1/4 cup of Rum, 1/4 cup of Chambord and 1/4 cup of Triple Sec

*SEX ON THE BEACH* boil 1 cup cranberry juice, add 3oz pkg orange jello, 3oz peach schnapps, 5oz vodka

*LEMON LIME* boil 2 cups sprite, add lemon and lime jello, 2 cups citrus vodka

*BLUEBERRY* boil 1 cup water, add blueberry jello, 1 cup blueberry vodka

*WATERMELON* boil 1 cup water, add watermelon jello,1 cup watermelon vodka

*HAWAIIAN* boil 1 cup water, add pineapple or blueberry jello, 1 cup coconut rum

*MARGARITA* boil 1 cup water, add 3oz pkg lime jello, 4oz tequila, 4 oz sweet & sour margarita mix. Sprinkle with salt just before firm

*ORANGE TIC TACS* Boil two cups red bull, mix jello two minutes, add two cups mandarin orange vodka

*GRAPE CRUSH* boil 1 cups water, add grape jello, 1/2 cup plain vodka, 1/2 cup Chambord

*FRUIT PUNCH* boil 1 cups water, add mixed fruit jello, 1/2 cup blueberry vodka, 1/2 cup raspberry vodka

*CARIBBEAN* boil 1 cup water, add strawberry-banana jello, Cruzan banana rum

*CHERRY COLA* boil 1 cup coke, add cherry jello, 1 cup cold cola, 1/2 cup amaretto, 1/2 cup spiced rum

*DREAMSICLE* boil 1 1/3 cup water & 2/3 cup OJ, add orange jello, 1 cup vanilla vodka 1/2 cup raspberry or berry vodka, Key Lime Cream Liqueur

*LIME IN THE COCONUT* boil 1 cup water, add watermelon jello, 1 cup Coconut Rum

*PURPLE PEOPLE EATER* boil 1 cup water, add grape jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup watermelon pucker

*BAHAMA MAMA* boil 1 cup water, add watermelon jello, 1/2 cup Malibu rum, 1/2 cup peach schnapps

*COSMOPOLITAN* boil 1 cup water with a splash of lime juice, add cranberry jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup triple sec

*BLUE FIRECRACKER* boil 1 cup water, add berry blue jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup peach schnapps

*WHITE LIGHTNING* boil 1 cup water, add pina colada jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup triple sec

*FUZZY NAVEL* boil 1 cup water, add 3oz orange jello, 2oz vodka, 6oz peach schnapps

*RED HEADED SLUT* boil 1 cup water, add cranberry jello, 1/2 cup peach schnapps, 1/2 cup jager

*MOJITO* 1 cup boiling water, 3oz box lime jello, 6oz white rum, 2 oz cold water. Top with mint leaves

*STRAWBERRY DAQUIRI* boil 1 cup water, add 3 oz package wild strawberry jello, 6oz white rum, 1oz sour or margarita mix

*ANKLE BREAKER* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 envelope of Lime Jello (3oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of 151 Rum, and 1/4 cup of Cherry Brandy

*RAIN MAIN* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Orange Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of 151 rum, and 1/4 cup of Melon Liqueur

*ALABAMA SLAMMER* 3/4 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Lemon Jello (3oz) and stir until everything is completely dissolved and then add 1/3 cup of cold water. Next, add 1/3 cup of Amaretto, 1/4 cup of Southern Comfort, and 1/3 cup of Sloe Gin

*ALL NIGHTER* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Cherry Jello (3oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water and 1/2 cup of Watermelon Vodka. Stir well & pour into jello shot cups

*APPLE PIE* 1 1/2 cups of boiling water. Dissolve 2 boxes of Lemon Jello (3oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Light Rum, 1/2 cup of Sweet Vermouth, 1/4 cup of Apple Brandy and 1/4 cup of Grenadine. Stir well & pour

*BANANA BOAT* 1 cup of water. Dissolve 1 box of Pineapple Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Coconut Rum, and 1/4 cup of Banana Liqueur

*BANANA SPLIT* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Strawberry Jello (3oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Vodka, and 1/4 cup of Banana Liqueur and 1/4 cup of Creme de Cacao

*BAT OUT OF HELL* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Orange Jello (3 oz) and stir for at least 2 minutes until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of Red Bull, 1/4 cup of Rumand 1/4 Blue Curacao

*BERMUDA TRIANGLE* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Orange Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Spiced Rum and 1/4 cup of Peach Schnapps

*BLACK WIDOW* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Grape Jello (3 oz) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 3/4 cup of Blackberry Vodka and 1/8 teaspoon of Ginger Powder. Stir well and cool slightly before pouring into jello shot cups. For a cool garnish, drop a single blackberry in each cup before chilling

*CRYPTINI* 1 cup of Hot coffee. Dissolve 1 envelope of Knox Gelatin and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/3 cup of Iced Coffee, 1/3 cup of Vodka, and 1/3 cup of Kahlua

*FRENCH TICKLER* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Orange Jello (3 oz) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Cinnamon Schnapps and 1/2 cup of Vodka

*JUICY FRUIT* 3/4 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Pineapple Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/3 cup of Vodka, and 1/3 cup of Melon Liqueur and 1/3 cup of Peach Schnapps

*JAGER MASTER* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Orange Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Jagermeister, and 1/4 cup of Amaretto, and a splash of Grenadine

*JAGER MONSTER* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Orange Jello and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Jagermeister, and 1/4 cup of Grenadine

*LONG ISLAND ICED TEA* and measure 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 2 packages of Lemon Jello (3oz) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of Cola and 1/2 cup of cold water. Now get ready to add the alcohol - 1/2 cup of Gin, 1/2 cup of Light Rum, 1/2 cup of Vodka and 1/2 cup of Tequila

*NINJA TURTLE* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Orange Jello and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Gin, and 1/4 cup of Blue Curacao

*PAIN KILLERS* 3/4 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Pineapple Jello (3oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/3 cup of Dark Rum, 1/3 cup of Coconut Rum and 1/3 cup of Orange Liqueur

*PIXIE STIX* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Lemon Jello (3oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Southern Comfort, and 1/4 cup of Blackberry Brandy

*RED SILK PANTIES* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Cranberry Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Vodka, and 1/4 cup of Peach Schnapps

*BROKEN HEART* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Orange Jello (3oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Vodka, and 1/4 cup of Chambord

*SCOOBY SNACKS* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Pineapple Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Melon Liqueur, and 1/4 cup of Coconut Rum

*TIJUANA TAXI* 2 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 2 packages of Lemon Jello (3 oz size) and stir at least 2 minutes until fully dissolved. Next, add 1 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Tequila, 1/4 cup of Blue Caracao and 1/4 cup of Tropical Fruit Schnapps

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drink up people...