HELP! My grandkids are trying to kill me.

Until recently just one of my daughters lived in the same city as me, that and the fact that I was always either at work or fishing meant I had limited opportunity to be infected by the dreaded lurgy.
Over the past year though, my other two daughters, their spouses and kids have moved here as well. That’s three daughters, three spouses and a combined total of nine and a bit kids. (we’re doing our bit to populate Australia)
Ever since then I’ve had one kind of cold, flu or horrible infection after another.
Last year we all went to see a panto right at the beginning of the Swine Flu epidemic…and caught it!
Here in Oz when you have something infectious like that you enter the doctors office and take a medical mask from the little table by the door, put it on, disinfect your hands and take a seat in the corner of the room marked with scull and crossbones so ordinary patients will look at you and scurry away. There we all sit looking bloody miserable and trying to breath through a medical mask, which is no easy task when you’re having trouble breathing as it is. More patients come in, you see their eyes open wide as they spy you all there in the corner, then they sit as far away from you as possible.
Just last week it was plain old ordinary Flu, mild by comparison to the Swine Flu version, just most of the week in bed… that’s all!
I got the clearance from the doc toward the end of the week and so I was again allowed to be seen in public, allowed to rejoin the human race. (If it’s a race…I’m loosing)
One of my first acts after the hunting of food, the gathering of petrol and the paying of bills was to visit family to see how they were all doing, and in particular to see how the kids who infected me were bearing up.
Miss 4 sat right next to me and proceeded to spray paint my face every ten minutes with a mixture of kid spit and disease. Somewhat naturally I complained to her to be met with her usual irresistible smile…and another coating of phlegm.
No surprise then that I was rewarded Monday morning with a dose of the common cold…
Another bloody miserable week.

Do you get muscle cramp? I occasionally do! ...but with this cold I’ve been waking several times a night with my leg or legs cramped tight in screaming agony. I find the only way to relieve it is firstly to stand up and bear weight on the leg, then waddle uncomfortably to the bathroom and run hot water on the affected limb until at last the pain and muscle tension eases. It’s winter here so all this takes place at around 0 degrees…and you have to get out of the shower sooner or later. Of course the searing pain and hot water wake you up about as much as is possible, then the freezing air as you quickly dry and make the goose bumped rush back to bed only make it worse.
Last night it was four times that I woke like that… the last time both legs above the knee were locked solid, in my desperation I finally made it to the bathroom to find I’d used all the hot water…not a drop left! I’ll spare you the details but today I can barely walk, both legs are stiff and very sore.
Between the nine grandkids (currently) the whole family is constantly sick. I’m supposed to go away in a couple of days and again in a few weeks but at the current rate the only place I’ll be going is into a wooden box.
Why are they doing this to me? Is my time on earth nearly up, are they planning to get rid of me?
Before I go I should warn you by virtue of a few things I have learned recently, so when I am gone my sacrifice will not be in vein.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.


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