An Aussie walks into his doctors office, he has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly".
My 85 year old uncle had to visit the doctor and was asked to provide a sperm sample. The doctor described the procedure, gave him a sample jar and asked him to return a fresh sample in the morning.
The next morning uncle returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" asked his doctor.
"Well," starts the old man, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then she tried with her left hand- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then her teeth out, still nothing. We even called the lady next door for help but try as she might….." The doctor interrupted at this point, "You mean to say you asked your neighbour for assistance?"
"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get that damn jar open."