Jokes

An Aussie walks into his doctors office, he has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly".

My 85 year old uncle had to visit the doctor and was asked to provide a sperm sample. The doctor described the procedure, gave him a sample jar and asked him to return a fresh sample in the morning.

The next morning uncle returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" asked his doctor.

"Well," starts the old man, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then she tried with her left hand- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then her teeth out, still nothing. We even called the lady next door for help but try as she might….." The doctor interrupted at this point, "You mean to say you asked your neighbour for assistance?"

"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get that damn jar open."

Stupid Sex Laws (just my opinion)

In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle. (guilty)

The Romans would crush a first-time rapist's gonads between two stones. (I wonder if there were any second offenders)

In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans."

Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex. (clearly a law made by men)

While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum. (some of the people I've known might like that?!)

In Alabama, it's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage." (bugger)

It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (but if it's dead?)

An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. (I'm not saying nuffin)

Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is expressly forbidden.

In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.(WooHoo!)

An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman's written consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse. (and it's getting like that again)

How to satisfy your partner...

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Caress, chat, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, treat equally, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, tease, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, arouse, acquiesce, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, enticing, tempting, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, super-glue, respect, intimate, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, lecherous, enlist, pine, cajole, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue, persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, provocative, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, risqué, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked ... with beer.