Sunday, February 28, 2010

Dress To Impress

Number 5 in the series
‘Everything you ever wanted to know about Women’

‘Dress to impress’

So you want to attract attention, but not by having the lady of your dreams laugh hysterically, tears streaming from her eyes.
Open the door of your closet and take a good hard, honest look… If what you see looks like a rack of 70’s fashions in the costume shop, or something you last saw when the circus was in town… it’s time to make the hard decisions…
It’s time to buy some now clothes.

Sorry, but this is going to involve shopping!

There are those who believe that you should enlist the help of a sister or trusted female friend.
Can you be completely certain that she hasn’t just been dumped by her boyfriend and is itching to find a way of getting back at men in general?
Can you be sure that she can resist the temptation of the enormous comedy potential of seeing you emerge from a dressing room wearing the sort of outfit that would make your dog laugh?
(I think this explains pastel Safari Suits, cummerbunds and eye wateringly loud shirts)

“No, honestly Gavin, it makes you look dead set sexy, trust me.”

With this in mind there are two phrases that should see you scrambling out of the change room window to your freedom.
“ trust me” and “ would I lie to you”

Do not be tempted to buy through a catalogue.

The clothes in them only look good on chiseled muscle men with lacquered hair, who stand around in small groups looking intently at a clipboard.
In addition you will not be able to try them on beforehand, so you will end up with a parcel of uncoordinated, ill-fitting style crimes, that you will convince yourself will fit ‘one day.’
“I’m planning to lose weight anyway”
“This style will come back soon” (yeah, like bell bottoms and four inch platforms)
“It’s fine so long as I done breathe too much…or sit down”

The simple solution is to go into town, walk around a bit, and take a good look at what everyone else is wearing. Then, all you have to do is copy their style.
What could be simpler?
(Don’t attempt this during Gay Pride Week or when the carnival is in town)
Generally speaking, if you model yourself on someone who already has a girlfriend, you wont go far wrong.


Pearl said...

Jesus Martha I think I know that guy...


p.s Oh, yes. Minnesota is, as you guys say, dead cold. Poeple die in it, just as I suppose people die of heat. In the winter, it gets as much as 30 to 40 degrees below zero (not freezing -- Fahrenheit 0) and in the summer it can easily hit 100, usually with high humidity. I blame my ancestors, who clearly didn't know any better.

p.p.s. I've added you to my blog roll. :-)

Tempo said...

...and you want to admit to knowing this bloke?!! LOL
Yup, people die every year from the heat here, mainly the young, old or if your car breaks down on the highway. Tourists especially dont realise the dangers. The temp here fluctuates from around 38F on cold winters morns to 120F in high summer.. (melt)
Thanks for the listing Pearl

mapstew said...

That reminds me, I really need to increase my gym visits! :¬)

Tempo said...

Dont we all Mapstew... LOL
..but I'm still not going to...

Lyss said...

But yellow lycra really suits you!

Tempo said...

LOL, Yeah thanks for that Lyss.. Actually...I'd probably look worse than this bloke in that suit