Thursday, November 17, 2011

Australia V New Zealand

For those of you from other countries who will not know it, this is just to let you know that Australians and New Zealanders (who come from the same stock) love to poke fun at each other. You will have the same rivalry between states or close countries where you live I’m sure.

All jokes aside though we are great friends with much in common like… er, then there's.. um! …..I’ll get back to you.

Generally we kick their asses in cricket and by padding their teams with huge Maori they wipe us up at Rugby. They like to make fun at our Aussie Strine (our version of ‘English’) and we like to tease them about their strange and unfamiliar accents.

We love to point out that they have far too many sheep to be JUST farming them and the jokes kinda go like this…

*Boy. “Dad, dad, I got lucky and had sex for the first time last night”

Dad. “That’s great son, how was it?”

Boy. “ It was great right up until her mother saw us doing it”

Dad. “Gosh, that’s bad…what did she say?”

Boy. “ Bahhhh!”

*The New Zealand seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

*Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me all these years."

*Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep.

*An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***ing liar.

*Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The Aussie doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problem and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"



Magsx2 said...

Hi Tempo,
They are all great, a couple I have never heard before, and I love the photos. LOL.

Pearl said...

Not one -- hadn't heard ONE of those jokes. :-)

I love when that happens.


The Jules said...

Very good.

That first photo with the phone box looks decidedly British. Welsh, I'd wager.

Tempo said...

Hi Mags, It wont end here, I'm thinking it will stir up a few Kiwis who will post a few of their own...
Hi Pearl, I love it when that happens. I wasn't sure people would get the last one, it's more about their accent and you kinda need to have heard the way Kiwis talk.
Hey Jules, You may well be right but then NZ has that lovely old world charm about it too. We still have a few of those old phone boxes here in OZ as well, though the post box looks unusual.

Belle said...

I'm afraid the Americans poke fun at us Canadians. We are supposed to be backwards, boring and say, "Eh?" all the time.

Windsmoke. said...

Very humourous indeed all of 'em made me laugh because their's nothing like taking the hiss out of New Zealanders its almost a national sport :-).

Spiral said...

Quite a few of those are new for me. All good-natured. I met some German tourists and talking about careers, I mentioned I don't use the term "Swedish Massage" in my advertising as men seem to think it's code for "erotic" massage. Anyway, the Germans were surprised - huh, Sweden gets that image over here? I talked of the stereotype of jacuzzis and porn. They found that amusing and then recounted that they went to Holland and were surprised to learn that the Dutch hold that stereotype about Germans!

Tempo said...

Hi Belle, It seems to be a worldwide thing, for a long time it was the Irish who copped the brunt of the jokes, that seemed to be a left over from when the Brits ran Australia. Now days it's the poor Kiwis who are so like Aussies you really cant tell the difference.

Hi Windsmoke, It IS a national sport! It's right up there with Football and Rugby...and they love to poke fun at us as well.

I hope you're well Spiral, When you first wrote about those problems with men I wasn't surprised at all. Massage is a wide term and still used constantly during advertisements for shady activities. I'm sure these misunderstanding are constant and world wide.

malcfifty said...

Per head of population, NZ has to be the greatest sporting nation in the World, that's why we love to beat them! See

Tempo said...

Hi Malcfifty and welcome, I thought it was..per head of population they have more sheep than anywhere else. I see you're heading over there soon mate, enjoy it wont you.

Sarah said...

Great jokes, I'd seen the Kiwi & ventriloquist one before only it was Americanized to be a Cowboy & Indian but sheep humor is universal, I say!

Sometime you'll have to check out GWAR's "F*cking an Animal" and play it for any Kiwi's you know :)

Argentum Vulgaris said...

I've seen a couple of those before. But really, if you do a 'search' & 'replace' NZ for Oz you'd have the same jokes that Kiwis tell about you...



Tempo said...

Hi Sarah, I'm guessing the first version of this joke included a Neanderthal and a Dinosaur... The same old joke with only the names changed. I dont think it really matters whos being scape-goated, a jokes a jokes a joke!
Hi AV, Youre exactly right mate, the same jokes are being told on both sides of the Tasman. It's funny is it not, that we make fun at our closest friends and neighbors?

Argentum Vulgaris said...

I couldn't resist... I wrote a follow up on Life.


Tempo said...

I'm glad you did AV, both sides of the story (so to speak)I loved your response post.

malcfifty said...

Hi Tempo, I took a photo of a red NZ telecom phone box in Paihia this afternoon and will upload it shortly.

malcfifty said...

Especially for Jules, Tempo, a photo of a NZ phone box can be found at


Argentum Vulgaris said...

I have never seen an NZ phone box like that one, come to think of it, I never saw one with a poncey roof like Tempo's effort either.


Tempo said...

Thanks Malcfifty, love the pointy roof... I like these old style wooden boxes, here theyve taken them all away and replaced them with nasty allow boxes that are like standing in an oven in summer and usually have no window's ion them because the kids keep smashing them out
Poncy? thanks for that AV... LOL I guess that pic could have been taken just about anywhere.