Sunday, November 27, 2011

Blue For You...

I was complaining to my neighbor that I was having trouble with ants invading my kitchen. He suggested a sure fire way of ridding my house of these tiny pests.

“I’ve got a mate” He started, “He’ll get some Heroin for you to sprinkle around their nest and they will go away.”

A few days later he was back with the bag of white powder which he sprinkled around the nest.

I didn’t see an ant for over a week, but then they came back and stole my DVD player…

A drunk gets up from the bar and staggers toward for the toilet. A few minutes later there is a blood curdling scream from the toilets.

A few minutes later another terrible scream is heard coming from the Mens Room.

The bartender gets up and goes to find out why the drunk keeps screaming like that.

“Why all the screaming in there?” he asks “You're scaring all my customers.”

“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something grabs my balls and squeezes the heck out of them.”

With that the barman opens the door to survey the damage, he looks at the scene before him for a few seconds before he says,

“You idiot, you’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a notice above the bar that reads:

Cheese sandwich: $2.00

Chicken sandwich: $3.50

Hand Jobs: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to the large group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she replies, “indeed I am.”

The man replies, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”

You know how it is as you get older? Every time you see a doctor you leave with yet another prescription for drugs you have to take for the rest of your life?

Recently my doctor prescribed half a Viagra before bed. It’s not helping my love life any, but at least I don’t roll out of bed during the night any more…



Magsx2 said...

Hi Tempo,
What a laugh.

I love the drunk in the bar, that is just great.

Hubby reckons the cheese sandwich is the best. LOL.

Tempo said...

Thanks Mags, I've been writing these old ones down as I remember them. They're all oldies except the Viagra one which you may have seen on TV here in Oz.

Neo said...

Thank You I needed a good laugh

Belle said...

I love the one about the ants. I thought it was a real situation at first so I really laughed.

Windsmoke. said...

Bonza jokes i especially like the Viagra one. Had trouble with ants once poured kero down their nest that really fixed 'em up :-).

Tempo said...

Hi Neo, I aim to please mate, glad you liked them
Hi Belle, jokes are always better if they sneak up on you... like ants!
Hi Windsmoke, Yep, I like thew Viagra one best too, it just strikes me as funny. I think kero would do the job nicely. We do have ant problems sometimes when it's really hot or really wet, they come in looking for food or water or just maybe the cool of the house..

Steve said...

Always good for a giggle. (And you were right, Futerama beat me to it. Damn them!)

malcfifty said...

Like the mop bucket best, but the cheese sandwich is another good one, Tempo.

Tempo said...

Hi Steve, I've got a lifetime of funnies and have only now started writing them down.
Hi Malcfifty, These are all pretty good..unlike the crap I'll follow it up with.
If you like any of them feel free to copy them for your own use, I'd hate to think this great Aussie aural tradition would be lost in the future.

malcfifty said...

Hi Tempo, My father had some favourite jokes, which I've been teaching my grandson. Trouble is, some require actions and body postures (e.g. "the man buying the suit" joke). I'll have to record them for posterity in my blog, when I return to Australia. Cheers, Mal.

Symdaddy said...

Very good!

Nothing like a good laugh now and then!

Tempo said...

@Malcfifty, By the time you get back you should have a few Kiwi jokes to add to them eh?
I look forward to reading you family favorites.
Hi Symdaddy, Glad you like them, a few of mine for a few of the great jokes and stories I've read on your page.

Joe Pereira said...

Hi, You mentioned in a comment over at Gravel Farm that you couldn't reply to your comments in toyr blog and I thought I'd help.

If you're using Internet Explorer go into « Tools-Privacy and then change the setting to allow all cookies and the problem is resolved. If you're using Firefox or any other browser find tools, and the option to block or allow third party cookies. Change to "allow"

Good luck

Tempo said...

Hi Joe and thank you for that tip, one tick in the right box and it's problem solved..