I was complaining to my neighbor that I was having trouble with ants invading my kitchen. He suggested a sure fire way of ridding my house of these tiny pests.
“I’ve got a mate” He started, “He’ll get some Heroin for you to sprinkle around their nest and they will go away.”
A few days later he was back with the bag of white powder which he sprinkled around the nest.
I didn’t see an ant for over a week, but then they came back and stole my DVD player…
A drunk gets up from the bar and staggers toward for the toilet. A few minutes later there is a blood curdling scream from the toilets.
A few minutes later another terrible scream is heard coming from the Mens Room.
The bartender gets up and goes to find out why the drunk keeps screaming like that.
“Why all the screaming in there?” he asks “You're scaring all my customers.”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something grabs my balls and squeezes the heck out of them.”
With that the barman opens the door to survey the damage, he looks at the scene before him for a few seconds before he says,
“You idiot, you’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
A bloke walks into a pub and sees a notice above the bar that reads:
Cheese sandwich: $2.00
Chicken sandwich: $3.50
Hand Jobs: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to the large group of men.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”
“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she replies, “indeed I am.”
The man replies, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”
You know how it is as you get older? Every time you see a doctor you leave with yet another prescription for drugs you have to take for the rest of your life?
Recently my doctor prescribed half a Viagra before bed. It’s not helping my love life any, but at least I don’t roll out of bed during the night any more…