Unashamedly stolen in it's entirety from Magsx2 wonderful blog at.. http://magsx2.wordpress.com/
An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says ‘Sheesh – How’d you lose the leg’
The Pirate says ‘Arrrrr – A shark took it off at the knee’
The Barman says ‘Thats no good, what about the hand?’
The Piarate says ‘Arrrrg – Lost it in a bloody bar brawl’
The Barman says ‘Jeez – Well what about the eye then?’
The Pirate says ‘Thats easy a seagul crapped in it’
The Barman says ‘What?!?!’
The Pirate says ‘Arrrrrrr…I’d only had the hook one day…’
————————————————-
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
—————————————————–
A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years… I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which the wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!”
.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
A walk on the dark side
Heres the short bit of info that started this whole thing.
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates,1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11, now go figure this out, take the last two digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it will equal 111 its freaky? Do the math of your dates and see.
I put this info on my Facebook page recently and this triggered a close friend to tell me an amazing story about a set of circumstances that revolve around the whole 11.11 thing. Interesting, strange even freaky, but I believe it completely…I don’t have permission to tell you about that, but it got me thinking about other weird things that I can attest to.
My gran was a minor physic, she kept it secret but told just me about the many things she knew about way before they happened, she even knew on the day she died. Unusually, she wished me well and told me to be strong as we got into the car that later crashed, killing her and leaving me crushed and broken. None of my family knew about this as far as I know.
I didn’t inherit her gift (gift?) but I do occasionally get undeniable feelings and more rarely, visions. For many years I took these things to be manifestations of the damage done to me in that accident…then of course I simply did not want to believe.
Eventually though…
The most powerful of these things...and I swear this is completely true, I will tell you about now.
I bumped into one of my brothers in law at a shopping center two years ago now, he began telling me about a solo trip he was planning. Within days he was going to drive right across the Nullabour desert to Perth in Western Australia. As he was telling me about his leaving dates etc I suddenly saw a vision of a white car sliding out of control, it spun around as it slid along the road and the vision ended in the car disappearing backwards into a cloud of dust. Vision over…maybe three seconds?
I felt disturbed by this and had an urge to tell him…but I didn’t because people view this kind of thing with great suspicion. As I walked away I was still uneasy and I noticed my heartbeat was very fast. I continued to feel doubtful and disturbed for the rest of that day.
Just a week later I saw him again as he walked along a road close to where I live, I stopped because I knew he should have been half way across the country by now.
…and now he told me the story about how his white Falcon had seized a wheel bearing on the drivers side front wheel, how the wheel and hub had torn off and how his car had spun around at highway speeds and slid off the road backwards. I felt chilled to the bone as he told me the story I already knew quite well…
What I want to know is whether this is a common human experience or whether it’s as rare as it feels, I’ve never told a soul about this…ever.
Tell me your stories, have you ever…?
.
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates,1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11, now go figure this out, take the last two digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it will equal 111 its freaky? Do the math of your dates and see.
I put this info on my Facebook page recently and this triggered a close friend to tell me an amazing story about a set of circumstances that revolve around the whole 11.11 thing. Interesting, strange even freaky, but I believe it completely…I don’t have permission to tell you about that, but it got me thinking about other weird things that I can attest to.
My gran was a minor physic, she kept it secret but told just me about the many things she knew about way before they happened, she even knew on the day she died. Unusually, she wished me well and told me to be strong as we got into the car that later crashed, killing her and leaving me crushed and broken. None of my family knew about this as far as I know.
I didn’t inherit her gift (gift?) but I do occasionally get undeniable feelings and more rarely, visions. For many years I took these things to be manifestations of the damage done to me in that accident…then of course I simply did not want to believe.
Eventually though…
The most powerful of these things...and I swear this is completely true, I will tell you about now.
I bumped into one of my brothers in law at a shopping center two years ago now, he began telling me about a solo trip he was planning. Within days he was going to drive right across the Nullabour desert to Perth in Western Australia. As he was telling me about his leaving dates etc I suddenly saw a vision of a white car sliding out of control, it spun around as it slid along the road and the vision ended in the car disappearing backwards into a cloud of dust. Vision over…maybe three seconds?
I felt disturbed by this and had an urge to tell him…but I didn’t because people view this kind of thing with great suspicion. As I walked away I was still uneasy and I noticed my heartbeat was very fast. I continued to feel doubtful and disturbed for the rest of that day.
Just a week later I saw him again as he walked along a road close to where I live, I stopped because I knew he should have been half way across the country by now.
…and now he told me the story about how his white Falcon had seized a wheel bearing on the drivers side front wheel, how the wheel and hub had torn off and how his car had spun around at highway speeds and slid off the road backwards. I felt chilled to the bone as he told me the story I already knew quite well…
What I want to know is whether this is a common human experience or whether it’s as rare as it feels, I’ve never told a soul about this…ever.
Tell me your stories, have you ever…?
.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Call me Lefty
When I saw this pic I wondered where the rest of the Vet was...down inside the croc?
This one looks even worse, can you imagine the vet down in his gut reaching out for an aspirin or something? (I've got SUCH a headache)
But NO! here he is, his hand all bandaged and an appropriately silly and embarrassed look on his face. He was quoted as saying that it was the last time he was going to brush a crocodiles teeth. (ok so thats a lie)
.
This one looks even worse, can you imagine the vet down in his gut reaching out for an aspirin or something? (I've got SUCH a headache)
But NO! here he is, his hand all bandaged and an appropriately silly and embarrassed look on his face. He was quoted as saying that it was the last time he was going to brush a crocodiles teeth. (ok so thats a lie)
.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Shh, dont tell anyone!
My nemesis for this weekend... (no killing the wildlife!)
My grand daughter Amie with just one of the many small crabs the kids caught and released. Hows this for lovely clear water?
This was our beach for the weekend with the stairs in fore ground.
Then I turned around and took a pic facing the other way, you can see the sand hills where we sand surfed, at the base of the sand hills is the seal colony and the rocky headland where the lads got their arms stretched.
Sand boarding anyone? This is the beginner slopes with hills twice this size further around
The lads on the headland known as Snapper Rocks
One of the Australian Sea Lions..not dead, just lazy!
What with half the eastern states of Australia under water I felt kinda bad about swaning off for a weekend away…for about half an hour.
There's this almost untouched area only 70 miles away you see… people drive past it every day without knowing that just down that dirt road is paradise by the sea. (Shh! Don’t tell)
Untouched beaches only broken here and there by the rocky headlands that provide great fishing and designate where my beach ends and yours begins. Just back from the cliff edge the camp sites hide under low trees for protection against summer sun.
Normally it would be too late in the season already and this area would be baking in unbelievable heat, but this year is different. Temps in the low 80’s (low 30’s C) and above average rain this year has left this area green and inviting even now.
So it was we set off with 4 kids, my daughter and her other half and another friend, two cars, a trailer, a mountain of camping gear and an assortment of alcohol. (medicinal purposes only of course)
Our chosen beach was at the bottom of a stair built down the low cliffs many years ago by someone called Mills, (so the sign says) our camp perhaps 150 yards from the cliff for child safety sake and everything within a mile or so of everywhere we wanted to see… I wont bore you with the details but our weekend consisted of much swimming in the warm water of our beach, fishing on the prominent headland a mile away, watching the sea lions on the beach where you can walk right up to them (if you have a fish for them) sand surfing on the huge dunes, hunting for and placing a few Geocaches… I think that about covers the main things.
I also had some rather wonderful 12 year old scotch left from a Christmas present (cant have it going off before it’s/I’m drunk can we?) and Pearls rather good first book in what I hope will be a series…(http://pearl-whyyoulittle.blogspot.com/) I read, I drank, I laughed, I staggered to the beach with fishing rod in hand, I spent a lot of time with the grand kids…wonderful!
There's almost nothing bad about this spot…almost! There are rather a lot of sharks here abouts, not that we actually saw any this time, and there are a lot of creepy crawlies. Last time we found a beautiful jet black 3inch Scorpion wondering about the camp and this time I found a really big Wolf Spider. They grow about twice the size of this one… but this one found the box for my camp stove and would not give it up for some reason. I though, ‘Ok, you can have it then’ and put the box and spider 20 feet away from my camp. It marched about on the box guarding it from me for 15 minutes then decided it wanted my camp too. It abandoned the box and marched directly back into camp…I was just thinking it might be a nice night to give up the camp and sleep out under the stars… But no, I’m the bigger of us so I got into bed and ignored the spider rampaging about the camp until it eventually gave up showing off and went home (where ever that was)
We’re going back in a couple of weeks…my son-in-law now knows about this hidden wonderland and cant wait to get back there. He caught some fish, but not the huge monsters that smashed up his gear and bent his best rod double…probably Snapper or Sharks, I’ll let you know!
.
My grand daughter Amie with just one of the many small crabs the kids caught and released. Hows this for lovely clear water?
This was our beach for the weekend with the stairs in fore ground.
Then I turned around and took a pic facing the other way, you can see the sand hills where we sand surfed, at the base of the sand hills is the seal colony and the rocky headland where the lads got their arms stretched.
Sand boarding anyone? This is the beginner slopes with hills twice this size further around
The lads on the headland known as Snapper Rocks
One of the Australian Sea Lions..not dead, just lazy!
What with half the eastern states of Australia under water I felt kinda bad about swaning off for a weekend away…for about half an hour.
There's this almost untouched area only 70 miles away you see… people drive past it every day without knowing that just down that dirt road is paradise by the sea. (Shh! Don’t tell)
Untouched beaches only broken here and there by the rocky headlands that provide great fishing and designate where my beach ends and yours begins. Just back from the cliff edge the camp sites hide under low trees for protection against summer sun.
Normally it would be too late in the season already and this area would be baking in unbelievable heat, but this year is different. Temps in the low 80’s (low 30’s C) and above average rain this year has left this area green and inviting even now.
So it was we set off with 4 kids, my daughter and her other half and another friend, two cars, a trailer, a mountain of camping gear and an assortment of alcohol. (medicinal purposes only of course)
Our chosen beach was at the bottom of a stair built down the low cliffs many years ago by someone called Mills, (so the sign says) our camp perhaps 150 yards from the cliff for child safety sake and everything within a mile or so of everywhere we wanted to see… I wont bore you with the details but our weekend consisted of much swimming in the warm water of our beach, fishing on the prominent headland a mile away, watching the sea lions on the beach where you can walk right up to them (if you have a fish for them) sand surfing on the huge dunes, hunting for and placing a few Geocaches… I think that about covers the main things.
I also had some rather wonderful 12 year old scotch left from a Christmas present (cant have it going off before it’s/I’m drunk can we?) and Pearls rather good first book in what I hope will be a series…(http://pearl-whyyoulittle.blogspot.com/) I read, I drank, I laughed, I staggered to the beach with fishing rod in hand, I spent a lot of time with the grand kids…wonderful!
There's almost nothing bad about this spot…almost! There are rather a lot of sharks here abouts, not that we actually saw any this time, and there are a lot of creepy crawlies. Last time we found a beautiful jet black 3inch Scorpion wondering about the camp and this time I found a really big Wolf Spider. They grow about twice the size of this one… but this one found the box for my camp stove and would not give it up for some reason. I though, ‘Ok, you can have it then’ and put the box and spider 20 feet away from my camp. It marched about on the box guarding it from me for 15 minutes then decided it wanted my camp too. It abandoned the box and marched directly back into camp…I was just thinking it might be a nice night to give up the camp and sleep out under the stars… But no, I’m the bigger of us so I got into bed and ignored the spider rampaging about the camp until it eventually gave up showing off and went home (where ever that was)
We’re going back in a couple of weeks…my son-in-law now knows about this hidden wonderland and cant wait to get back there. He caught some fish, but not the huge monsters that smashed up his gear and bent his best rod double…probably Snapper or Sharks, I’ll let you know!
.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Just for fun
"Did you ask if you could take my picture...did you?! "
Oh Look, it's a...it's a...it's a...
OH SHIT!!!
Understanding the car...for Hoons: Understeer is when you hit the wall with the front of the car and oversteer is when you hit the wall with the rear of the car. Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall, torque is how far you take the wall with you...
.
Oh Look, it's a...it's a...it's a...
OH SHIT!!!
Understanding the car...for Hoons: Understeer is when you hit the wall with the front of the car and oversteer is when you hit the wall with the rear of the car. Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall, torque is how far you take the wall with you...
.
Monday, January 10, 2011
England under water
Australia's had more rain this past year that anytime for many, many decades, in fact it's still raining in far off Queensland and there's no sign if it stopping anytime soon. So far there has been around 25 drownings, mainly from fools jumping into swollen rivers for some surfing or boogie boarding but occasionally by people trying to drive though flooded causeways.
None of this directly affects me here in the desert country of South Australia, except that we'll be paying a lot more for fruit and veg during the next year or so...but the prices always go up anyway, ever heard of grocery prices going down?
But I digress:
From Queensland, through New South Wales and soon into Victoria there is already a chunk of Australia under water greater in size than the entire United Kingdom...and the rain hasn't stopped and the flood waters still haven't reached the sea, and wont for another three months!
Come on people...drink more water and help us out here!
.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Channeling my mother
Wow. Here I am writing about this. Who saw that coming?
Sooner or later everybody becomes something they never thought they'd be. A bloke with loans to pay and kids to raise. A clone of their own parent. A country music fan*. Life can be terrifyingly unpredictable that way.
How many times have you caught yourself saying something your mum or dad used to say to you?
‘When I was a kid….’
‘…if you do that one more time!’
‘..a wigwam for a gooses bridal’ (ok, so I never used that one)
‘…Because I said so!’
‘Just because!...’
I guess it’s not surprising that we remember well those things our parents say to us (scream at us) and I personally have had many of those sad moments when I hear myself channeling my mother.
So now I find myself looking at a bloke I never thought I’d become, I hardly recognize myself from that small quiet lad that had very different ideas of where life was taking him…I know it’s still me though! I can tell from the winging!
So what weirdness did your parents scream, yell or say to you that left you as obviously twisted as you are?
* I am in no way a country music fan. (just saying)
Monday, January 3, 2011
..any second now!
What with all this wet weather it's been a good year for snails eh?!
We don’t have many weirs out here in the Australian outback, there seems little point since we have bugger all rain. But a hundred years ago people were far more optimistic it seems…in 1912 the people of Cleve built a small (by world standards) weir across a sometimes wet creek. There is just one old grainy B&W photo of water flowing over the top, quite possibly the only time water flowed over the top.
This year is exceptional… an El-Niño weather pattern means much more rain in our part of the world, though much less in South America. Queensland and New South Wales is flooded at the moment with not much sign of it stopping, the Murray River will flood right down to the sea for the first time in decades…and we SO need the water.
I received a call from a friend in the country to say the weir was full…full for the first time in his entire life. (50 odd years)
So it was that I made the 400km (250mile) journey and camped at the weir for a few days between Christmas and New Years. Not for anything more than to see the weir full, as you can see water is rather special here.
The picture taken from below the weir was taken near my camp site, the water in the foreground is water leaking through the concrete wall…two thing occurred to me laying there in my swag.
The optimist on my right shoulder said the wall had lasted a hundred years and was bound to last many years yet.
The pessimist on my left shoulder kept saying that the wall was a hundred years old, had never had this amount of water behind it and was bound to fail…any second now!
.
We don’t have many weirs out here in the Australian outback, there seems little point since we have bugger all rain. But a hundred years ago people were far more optimistic it seems…in 1912 the people of Cleve built a small (by world standards) weir across a sometimes wet creek. There is just one old grainy B&W photo of water flowing over the top, quite possibly the only time water flowed over the top.
This year is exceptional… an El-Niño weather pattern means much more rain in our part of the world, though much less in South America. Queensland and New South Wales is flooded at the moment with not much sign of it stopping, the Murray River will flood right down to the sea for the first time in decades…and we SO need the water.
I received a call from a friend in the country to say the weir was full…full for the first time in his entire life. (50 odd years)
So it was that I made the 400km (250mile) journey and camped at the weir for a few days between Christmas and New Years. Not for anything more than to see the weir full, as you can see water is rather special here.
The picture taken from below the weir was taken near my camp site, the water in the foreground is water leaking through the concrete wall…two thing occurred to me laying there in my swag.
The optimist on my right shoulder said the wall had lasted a hundred years and was bound to last many years yet.
The pessimist on my left shoulder kept saying that the wall was a hundred years old, had never had this amount of water behind it and was bound to fail…any second now!
.
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