Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Unashamedly Stolen

Unashamedly stolen in it's entirety from Magsx2 wonderful blog at..

An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says ‘Sheesh – How’d you lose the leg’

The Pirate says ‘Arrrrr – A shark took it off at the knee’

The Barman says ‘Thats no good, what about the hand?’

The Piarate says ‘Arrrrg – Lost it in a bloody bar brawl’

The Barman says ‘Jeez – Well what about the eye then?’

The Pirate says ‘Thats easy a seagul crapped in it’

The Barman says ‘What?!?!’

The Pirate says ‘Arrrrrrr…I’d only had the hook one day…’
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.

While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years… I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!”



Symdaddy said...

My kind of humour!

magsx2 said...

Seems you did enjoy my jokes, always good to have a bit of a laugh every now and then. :)

Windsmoke. said...

They made me smile :-).

Tempo said...

Hi Symdaddy, Glad you like them..wish I could take some of the credit though.

Hey Magsx2, Many people come to my blog from Cals Cave Of Cool, I thought some will follow the links to your great and funny blog.

Hi Windsmoke, theres lots more funnies where I nicked these... just follow the links to Magsx2

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Thanks for popping by my blog! And yes, here in Canada, we call a plate of little cakes, tarts, squares and cookies "dainties." We know it confuses the rest of the world, but we just chuckle quietly to ourselves!

magsx2 said...

I see you found my new blogger blog. Yes I'm now part of blogger land. Thanks for stopping by.

Tempo said...

Hi Debra, I'm always looking for the best of blogland, it's amazing how many great blogs there are out there, yours included. I have to say..Tarts are another word that means something completely different here..
Hi Magsx2 or is that x3 now? I love your blogs because Im always looking for great funnies and yours are among the best.