Monday, July 25, 2011

Australian Tourism: questions answered

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying to help:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. (OK, so thats a lie)
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.



Anonymous said...

Friggin' hilarious, loved the last one, I'm going to use that.


Kal said...

"Droll Wilma, very droll."

(Do you guys get 'The Flintstones' where you all live or is it all 'Skippy the Kangaroo.)

Anonymous said...

Hi Tempo,
That was unreal, I can actually picture some of those questions being asked. I can't pick a favorite out of them , I loved the lot. LOL.

Windsmoke. said...

These are all dumb questions answered with typical Aussie humour. Like magsx2 i can't pick a favourite either so all of them get my vote :-).

Tempo said...

@AV, Thats the typical Aussie humor for you, dry and tongue in cheek..
Hey Kal,I'm sure the Flintstones will be on somewhere in OZ...probably Skippy too, but not here at the moment.
@Mags, You can just see the naivety in those questions cant you, they obviously know nothing about Oz.
Hi Windsmoke, Funny enough most Aussies I know would answer those questions just like that... they deserve that treatment for asking such silly questions.

The Jules said...

Those drop bears sound scary. I'm going to spray myself now.

Also, I'd like to meet some of your famous caned toads.

Sarah said...


...and then I get sad because so many people in my birth country are Stoooopid! I can't even say ignorant because it's obvious they lack common sense or any sense at all.

Tempo said...

Hi Jules, Again..typical Aussie humor, we've been having tourists on about drop bears for many decades, it's getting to be a national joke... sadly cane toads are quite the opposite, nasty, noisy little critters, and if you do kill them they stink up the place, I hear we're going to export them to England.
Hi Sarah, Dont worry, Australia is close behind in the stooopid stakes, the education system is crap and parents just dont care what their kids are learning about anymore.

Anonymous said...

I would have thought that UK had enough politicians without sending them stinking cane toads... I have heard about the drop bears various times before, so it was no surprise to see them surface... or rather, drop in here.


Jen said...

Hippo races!?! I can't wait to get there!

Tempo said...

@Jen, Hippos! LOL It just shows how little people really know about other countries, sure you see the documentaries, the news stories but we really dont take in much detail I think.