You've got to be kidding?

 

Recently I went to my doctor to arrange an xray for a sore ankle.

The first thing he asked was whether I needed more of the pain killers he prescribed during my last visit, I told him I'd looked them up on the web and found they had several bad side effects and therefore I hadn't taken any and didn't intend to…. he began losing the plot.

 We spent the next twenty minutes arguing over who knew my needs better…him or me. (he's been my doctor for less than a year)

Then we argued about why I was refusing to take pain killers that I didn't need…

I mean…really! Since when did doctors start trying to force patients to take medicines they don’t need? I left in a huff but had to make an appointment for the next day to see him about the still sore ankle.

The next day I refused to add to the medicines debate and only referred to my sore foot. (it turned out to be nothing much…I'm just wearing out)

I had the same doctor for 35 years, a straight talking, in your face old school doctor who knew his stuff but had the temerity to retire.. (Hmph!)

Rules for Good Housekeeping (Especially for men!)

It's Australia day today, time for BBQ's and picnics outdoors usually accompanied by beer. No beer for me just yet, I'm taking the Yamaha out for a spin and don't want to fall off...again!
If you're in the mood for some great jokes I recommend a visit to Mags blog over at wordpress http://magsx2.wordpress.com/author/magsx2/
 


So anyway, I found this list on a feminist site a little while ago while searching for a counter post for the one I put up a couple of posts ago. As a single bloke I can relate to most of these and confess theres more than a grain of truth in some of them. Enjoy!

• It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
• Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
• Never make fried chicken in the nude.
• Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
• You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
• If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
• When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

 
 
 
 
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Meet Max

*This is Max the day I brought him home...looks worried doesn't he?




I needed another big dog after losing Stan last year so I eventually forced myself to go looking; there were some self imposed rules: No huge dogs, No long haired dogs, No small dogs, No stupid dogs (three out of fours not bad eh?).

So it was that a beautiful bright white puppy came to join our little pack….Meet Max!

He joins two English Fox Terriers, Narla is a Standard and Roxy is a miniature and they rule the house, I needed a slightly submissive dog to avoid bloodshed.

Max is an American Bull Terrier, my Vet insists he's an American Pit Bull which is a problem here in Australia. We have a Dangerous Dogs Register and the American Pit Bull is on that register. That means more cost to register, higher fences and security gates are required and if they get out the fine is just short of the national debt. I'm negotiating to have him listed as a Bull Terrier which is how he was listed by the breeder who sold him to me.

*Pardon me while save Max, he's jammed himself between the long couch and wall.

*A week later and he seems to be settling in quite well dont you think?

None the less the soft white puppy came into the house at just seven weeks of age and started making it his by peeing on and chewing everything in sight. (I hate training puppies and my winging has burned the ears of my family and friends)

At fourteen weeks he had an appointment at the vet to have his manhood trimmed, micro chipping and vaccinations. As we walked out the front door of my house he promptly ran head long into the aluminum screen door striking it right on its edge, he was delivered to the vet split from nose to the top of his head and dripping with blood… what a start!

Now at eighteen weeks of age he's lived up to that start by being the most clumsy dog I've ever known.

 

*Pardon me while I go and stop Max chewing up my spindle full of Back Up discs wont you….

Up until this time I'd noticed that American Bull Terriers are always covered in scars and assumed the owners must have been terrible people, I smiled at the thought as it dawned on me..

*He was soon doing jobs around the house...like emptying the bin

Regular visits to the Grand kids and the other dogs in the family has helped to keep him friendly and playful. Although he's still only knee high at his shoulders he is already a very heavy dog and has no trouble bowling over the kids and unwary adults as he careers around like an unguided missile.

Although I've owned an English Staffordshire Bull Terrier, I've had no experience with the American version and I have to say, the American Bull Terrier is much more ugly than it's English equivalent.

What was going through the minds of breeders?

They've increased the height of the Staffy (from which the American Bull Terrier is derived) and bred for a heavier body but why on earth did they breed them that ugly? *Note to self: Might be best not to actually say this bit.

* Apparently he's never heard that you should not bite the hand that feeds you ..or maybe he's just trying out for a job as a body piercer?

*Pardon me while I drag Max away from the Fox Terriers dog treat or Max will be attacked for about the 500th time…

There will be many …. Oh bother, excuse me while I sort out WW3…

Clearly Max is an ongoing project…stay tuned.

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(misogynistic) RULES THAT WOMEN COULD FOLLOW

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your ass to a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9.Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10.Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to respond to it.
16.Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. Dont throw ANYTHING in the bin without clearing it with us first.
19. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21.'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23.Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24.Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25.Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
27.Don't fake orgasms. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
30.The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
31.If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
34. Learn to read a map.
35.Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t- shirts etc. etc...., lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36.When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39.If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food as well. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish.'

 

 

There you have it, yet another silly list of things we could, would, might do if only.... 

(if only we were hard at heart and uncaring)

The great water caper of 2006

I used to work in a factory, not your normal kind of factory...no, this one was still in the dark ages. They had no idea what a computer was, jobs were jotted down on stray bits of paper and often became lost for months, when they eventually surfaced we'd still be expected to know what the job was, who it was for and what the material list was.

The boss drew his mud maps* on real mud.. (this actually happened from time to time as he would draw it out with a stick in the yard and ask me to go make it)

One of our biggest problems though was a total lack of ventilation in this huge tin shed, in an Australian Summer it was quite unbearable; we needed lots of cool water.

We actually had to threaten a strike to be graced an old secondhand fridge to keep our drinks cool…

Each day I would cool two litres of rain water at home ready for the next day in hell, each day I took it in with me and put it in the communal fridge and each day when I needed a drink I would go to the fridge to find that someone had been drinking my water.

Now I'm not all prudish but the thought of these Neanderthals slobbering from my water bottle several times a day did not please me, in fact I would pour the water out, clean the bottle and try again. Day after day, week after week I tried everything to stop them, I put my name on the bottle, I even put half a cup of salt in it one day..

Then one day desperation kicked in and I thought to write on the bottle "I spat in this" (in fact I did, just once so some of them saw me do it)

It worked! They stopped drinking my water and at last I got to have nice cool water all day. (triumph!)

Until one morning when I went to the fridge and found two bottles with "I spat in this" written on them, my mate Jeff had taken my lead and copied the idea… My sense of humor kicked in and I headed to my toolbox to find several different colored textas.

Armed and ready I headed to the fridge..

Under Jeffs written warning I wrote 'So did I' in one color and under that I wrote 'Me too!' in another color, just to finish off I wrote 'And Me'.

An hour later I found his bottle in the bin….

My profuse apologies meant nothing to an upset Jeff…

*A mud map is a rough technical drawing

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Ted Mulry Gang - Jump In My Car (1975)

How about going back in time to Sydney harbor in Australia in 1975






A time when I was a young impressionable teenager.

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The Secret Place

Every fisherman has at least one 'special spot' where they take no one else. As a local I have many special places that I dont share, I'm even careful when taking photos not to show anything that would give up the locations.

One such place only fishes at night on a rising tide above 2.6metres, I always fish this spot with my mate Les who is the only other person who knows about it.

We always either do very well here with big fish galore or we get nothing at all..

*The very spot, looking East across the Spencer Gulf to the other side 20km away. This photo was taken right on sunset with the setting sun behind me.

Late one evening we were fishing our spot and getting nothing at all. The sea was flat calm with no wind (possibly why we were catching nothing) The moon was rising over the hills on the opposite side of the Gulf 20km away and shining low across the water making every ripple visible for hundreds of meters, a very comforting vista indeed.

It had been a hot day so we were standing ankle deep in the cool water, the tide had gone out and was now coming back in, making it necessary to take a few steps back every half hour or so. As usual I changed my baits every ten minutes, cutting up the old bait and dropping at my feet to help bring in the fish..

*This large Flathead posed for this one photo and was soon on her way. All Flathead this size are breeding females and we make it a rule to put them back to continue breeding.

It was so quiet and peaceful that I was drifting off to sleep even while standing there, I looked across at Les 20 meters away and he appeared to be asleep on his feet as well.

It had been some time since I'd summoned up the energy to step backward so I was over knee deep in the inky blackness of the rocky foreshore before us.

I knew there were fish out there as every now and then I could feel the rubbing of a fish as it swam past my taught fishing line, I was looking out to sea watching the moonlight flit on the tiny ripples when something caught my eye just to my right; I turned my head slightly and in the shallow moonlit water before me I saw the large mottled tail of a four foot shark about four feet from my legs.

I screamed like a girl and cracked a JC*.

Water splashed everywhere, Les nearly fell over from the shock of it all and I didn't stop running until I was well away from any possibility whatsoever of being dragged screaming back into the water.

*This is all you ever see of a Fiddler until it takes off from under your feet (very scary) or worse...flaps about pinned down by your foot. I say it's scary because we have a lot of common Stingrays which can do you a lot of damage and even Electric Rays...60,000volts anyone? It takes a few seconds of dread fear before you know what you've stepped on.

Les regained his composure and looked at me like I'd completely lost my mind, I gabbled a bit about huge sharks but just came across as a babbling nutter.

Eventually my heartbeat slowed to near normal and sanity began to creep back into my mind... but the fishing was over, any big fish would surely have been scared away by my indiscretion and we were no longer relaxed.

We began slowly packing up to go home, as I cut my remaining bait into pieces and threw it into the sea near where I'd been standing the 'shark' came back in and started picking up the pieces. It was a huge Fiddler Ray, a relative of the Shovel Nosed Shark and completely harmless.

Ive been catching these plentiful rays by hand and letting them go since I was a kid, the trick is to step on the flap of the ray so it cant swim away then simply pick it up by the tail; a neat trick taught to me by my father many, many years ago. You can eat them, but I've never been able to bring myself to kill one.

* This is a small Fiddler but the photo shows the tail which looks quite Shark like in the dark... it was a good thing I was wearing my brown underpants that night...

This one was without a doubt the biggest Fiddler I'd ever seen at around four and a half feet, but I hadn't seen the broad flat head of the beast, only the tail which looked like the tail of any of the common sharks here abouts.

At least Les saw the shark and knew I wasn’t losing my mind…just yet!

*Cracking a JC (Jesus Christ) is Aussie slang for 'walking on water'

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This year I'm going to change the world! (maybe!)

As usual I am starting the new year by solving the great problems of mankind...or rather I'm pondering the great questions that have plagued mankind for the last twelve months in an effort to make a buck, get famous, help my fellow man (out of the goodness of my heart)

Ponder with me if you will:

Why do we wait till a pig is dead before we cure it?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How can someone draw a blank?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?

Why don't people in Australia call the rest of the world `up over'?

I actually know the answer to that last one.. We are not 'down under', we are in the middle and the rest of the world (ie:YOU) are in the weird place...