Thursday, January 19, 2012

(misogynistic) RULES THAT WOMEN COULD FOLLOW



1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your ass to a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9.Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10.Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to respond to it.
16.Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. Dont throw ANYTHING in the bin without clearing it with us first.
19. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21.'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23.Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24.Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25.Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
27.Don't fake orgasms. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
30.The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
31.If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
34. Learn to read a map.
35.Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t- shirts etc. etc...., lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36.When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39.If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food as well. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish.'
 
 
There you have it, yet another silly list of things we could, would, might do if only.... 
(if only we were hard at heart and uncaring)

12 comments:

Magsx2 said...

Hi Tempo,
I certainly had a laugh, I am always being reminded about #18. LOL.

Some of the others were rather good as well :)

Symdaddy said...

My wife nearly disowned me for laughing at these.

Methinks she disagrees.

Joe Pereira said...

Brilliant, funny and absolutely spot on. If this is your own list, I need to ask you for some advice regarding the fairer sex :)

I guess a list for men would bave two entries:

1) Just because I'm undressing it doesn't mean I want sex.

2) Beer DOES NOT contain all the vitamins and nutrients your body needs

Thanks for the laugh Tempo :)

Jenn June said...

I'm so glad I'm not a typical woman. I used to fret that I didn't fit it with other ladies but now I'm glad. You're right - Dogs ARE better than cats, in most cases - except when the dog shits on the floor right after you've taken him outside and the cat has enough wits about her to use the box you've designated for this purpose. My husband actually prefers our cat because, in his words, "she's cool and takes no shit from anyone." I think that's the same reason he likes me. I don't do the shopping thing unless I'm drug by the hair and then it's nails on a chalkboard for me. I truly enjoy sex and don't suffer from many headaches. If I do have one, I've found that Excedrin or Tylenol work quite well as remedies. Shoes...no room for them. I have a few pair but not many. After all, I really can't go to the grocery barefoot, though I probably would if it were allowed. I do wear a lot of skirts but my husband prefers them. Doesn't matter the length, he just loves to see me in a skirt and I love to wear them, so win/win. No pantyhose or other garnishment. Please, that's just silly. Funny thing, I actually taught my husband how to check the oil in the car after we met. Yep. And the coolant and trans fluid too. It's okay - he can fix and build most anything and he let me assist him in building a house for someone once and taught me a lot I didn't know so I guess we're even. Guys with hot bods aren't all gay. My husband still has his tight six pack abs and we've been together for fifteen years so no complaints here. When I look at guys in magazines I'm pretty grossed out since I have a better looking one coming home to me every night. I don't argue or whine. If someone truly pisses me off I just punch them in the mouth without warning. My right hook says it all - no need to speak. My husband has never gotten on my nerves enough to meet righty but a few of our acquintances have - including a man my husband once brought home and called friend. That guy decided he liked what he saw and thought he'd get all flirty with me in my husband's absence. He met righty and then he fell down and ended up leaving quite humiliated. Silly man. I still chuckle when I recall that encounter. He was lucky my husband didn't kill him when he found out what had happened. He's lucky he dealt with me instead. I love dessert. We have dessert every night. It's not an option - it's a lifestyle.

I think you need to get out and get around more interesting women. Then again, they are difficult to find. I know I've had trouble meeting any. I prefer to hang with the guys. Much less complicated and delicate.

Jenn June said...

This post was pretty damn funny, by the way. I just wish more women didn't fit into these stereotypes. I guess it is what it is, though.

Belle said...

I love this list and wish I had it when I first got married. Throwing things out is a major thing to my man so I don't do it. I've become an expert at talking during commercials. My husband doesn't look like a male model but I don't care. I used to fake orgasms at first but hubby caught me and was mad. I never did it again and I'm glad. I don't cry to get my way, I'm usually too angry to cry. But let me add this to the list: Men are hard to live with because they are so different from most women. Try to understand us once in awhile.

Windsmoke. said...

Very humourous and neatly wraps up what relationships are all about :-).

starzyia said...

hilarious! I am a woman, but no one ever accused me of not having a sense of humour. Actually I credit my popularity with men to the fact that I NEVER ask 'does my bum look fat in this'... I think its a mistake to turn a man's attention to the area. Secondly I never, ever ask 'what are you thinking'. And thirdly, it never takes me more than 15 minutes to get ready to go anywhere. If I was visiting the Queen I'd probably only take 5.

Tempo said...

Hi Everyone, I found this post on a friends page and stole it complete so I dont agree with everything posted here, though I'm very pleased to see that everyone took it in the spirit in which it was intended.
It's all generalizations and nothing more, I'm sure we can all see something here that reminds us of a friend or something we've been through.
In the interests of fair play I'm looking for one from the female perspective...

Sarah said...

I heartily agree with #27--ladies! if you fake it, they won't try harder next time and you'll still be missing out.

River said...

#19...are you sure about that? Are you really prepared to live the rest of your life without chips or cheese? And what about gravy?

Tempo said...

Hi Sarah, I dont understand the point of faking it...sort of defeats the point does it not? You make a great point though..

Hey River, #19? No I'm not prepared to live the rest of my life without chips, cheese or gravy?
To be completely honest I didn't go through these very well.. I dont agree with many of them, theyre funny..thats all