Thursday, February 16, 2012
A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Restroom
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been
known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and
several other names. (For Australia add: Thunderbox, Crapper, Bog, Reading Room)
As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an
acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a
significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only
permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
looking around. Read graffiti.
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid
standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X = occupied, . = empty)
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know
what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At
this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.
Pissing Tips for "Real Men" (Addendum To The Above Rules)
a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.
b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wank.
c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"
d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.
e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.