Thursday, February 16, 2012

A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Restroom

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been
known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and
several other names. (For Australia add: Thunderbox, Crapper, Bog, Reading Room) 

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an
acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a
significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only
permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
looking around. Read graffiti.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid
standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X = occupied, . = empty)
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know
what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At
this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Pissing Tips for "Real Men" (Addendum To The Above Rules)

a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.

b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wank.

c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"

d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.

e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.



Magsx2 said...

Hi Tempo,
OMG that is hilarious, and those pictures are priceless. LOL.

malcfifty said...

Many a true word is spoken in jest. Hi Tempo, Your commentary may provoke laughter, but is indeed on the mark. Cheers.

Joe Pereira said...

HaHa Very funny Tempo - especially the addendum rules :)

Belle said...

Ever since I first saw a man's public washroom I have felt bad for them. No privacy! Horrible. No wonder they have to make up rules.

Windsmoke. said...

The addendum rules made me smile they really are spot on :-).

River said...

# 12 Always look at the wall.

Well no wonder you guys make such a splatter mess! If you want to hit the target you need to be looking at what you're aiming at!
Especially at home...

This was very funny to read though.

Tempo said...

Hi Mags, I dont remember where the bottom pic was taken but I do remember that it was in an Asian country where urinal use is quite different to what we're used to.
Hey Malcfifty, It's the truth in there that makes it so funny, women have no idea just how close to the truth it actually is eh?
@Joe, This is actually only about half of this article, the rest will go up later. I find that posts only get read if theyre short and to the point.
Hi Belle, these rules are unwritten and learned either from one's father, brother or mates. To learn them the hard way is embarrassing to say the least. To post them like this gives blokes the opportunity to really laugh about the silliness of it all.
HI Windsmoke, The addendum really makes this post shine, it would be boring without that bit of raw truth at the end.
Hi River, The unwritten rules of manhood pay no heed to such niceties as clean toilets and dry floors. I know just what you mean though, I just about have to hose the toilet clean after my grandsons have been for a visit. (Not joking, I really have had to)