Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Men V Women

NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: 

Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. 

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... 

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters….

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. 

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. 

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatic's. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. 

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. 

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

You know...it's not easy being a man, the whole world thinks we're bloody useless and makes jokes about us...truly, they're only right some of the time...



Joe Pereira said...

Haha, nice one Tempo. A woman's desire to talk/communicate is as powerful as a man's desire for sex. How weird!! I'm glad I'm a guy :)

Magsx2 said...

Hi Tempo,
What a great post, I loved it. LOL
That is just so true about the laundry.

Windsmoke. said...

Yep, that about covers everything in the battle of the sexes :-).

Belle said...

This was so funny and most of it true. My favorite was the Offspring. Hilarious!

Tempo said...

Hi Mags, Like all the best jokes theres a bit of truth in them.

Hey Windsmoke, are you kidding? theres a lot more battles to be fought in that particular war, but of course no one wins at war..

Hi Belle, I actually know a few blokes like that, wouldnt know the first thing about their kids..

Steve said...

"Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth."

So very true.

"You know...it's not easy being a man, the whole world thinks we're bloody useless and makes jokes about us...truly, they're only right some of the time..."
Well to paraphrase Oscar Wilde "the only thing worse than being a man, is not being a man."
Or something.

River said...

Laughed through all of these while discovering/realising that both my husbands were more feminine than me!
I can explain the dead plant thing. Overwatering. Or watering only once.

Tempo said...

Hi Steve, Yeah, I used to hang out at the laundromat as well, all I ever met was other blokes hoping to meet women. Silly when you consider it...I never met a woman that didn't own a washing machine.
Hi River, This is all tongue in cheek of course, men aren't that useless.(ok, so thats a lie)