Friday, December 28, 2012


A couple was driving the car on a country road. Suddenly a three legged chicken came running after the car, passed it and run into a side road.

"Wow!" said the husband "Did you see how fast that chicken could run!" Shortly after another chicken came and passed the car with a tremendous speed. The wife said "And did you see that it had three legs!"

Now they were really curious about these chickens so they descided to follow the road where the three legged chickens just went. Eventually they came up to a farm and to their surprise there were many three legged chickens running around. The farmer came out to greet them. Now they had to ask him about how is it possible to breed three legs chickens?

The farmer explained: "You see we are three in this family, me, my wife and our son. And every time we had chicken to eat, we all wanted the chicken club. So we tried and tried and managed to create a rase of three legged chicken so we all could have a leg!

Fantastic! And how does this chickens taste?
"Well", said the farmer, "there is a problem - we have still not been able to catch one!"

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

   One day this one lady got bitten by a rabid dog so she went to the hospital. The doctor told her that it was a terrible and severe bite so he suggested that she'd write a will. So she did and just kept writing and writing and writing.
    After a long while, the doctor came back while she was still writing.
    He asked her, "Wow, that's a rather long will!."
    She responded, "No it's not a will, it's a list of people I'm gonna bite."


Sunday, December 23, 2012

What Job Adds Really Mean

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. 


Saturday, December 15, 2012


Dear American Citizens,

It's over 225 years since your constitution was drawn up with the right to bear arms. 
Did little children and young people get slaughtered in the school yard back then by righteous gun bearing maniacs?    
 Do you realize that the world you have made is the world that you have. Do you understand that this inalienable right to bear arms is killing your precious future, your babies, your children. You are robbing them of the right to freedom that your forebears fought so viciously for. 
Freedom is not freedom lived in fear, carrying weapons. 
Your losses have become so great, are so painful to the rest of the world, don't you think it is time to revisit this constitution. 
Do you all really have the RIGHT to bear arms? 
Dare to dream about putting down those arms, if you don't do it NOW, then those little children traumatized today, may very well do it for you. Save some lives now, do it today. 
President Obama, have the guts to do what the rest of the world have been thinking for a very long time. Change now, or continue to bear the consequences. 
As for the rest of us, we continue to weep with you for your unbearable loss.

Saturday, December 8, 2012


"the festive season is upon us"  Are you sick of hearing that greeting yet this season? (or a variation thereof)
I must be getting more intolerant as I get older because those words continually (and worst of all) Cheerfully resounded at me really grates on my nerves. My first thought is to offer a suggestion which would see me banned from the shopping centre…again!

"The festive season is upon us"
"Oh really? I hadn't been informed. I mean, I suppose I should have thought something was up when I began to receive dozens of discount catalogues in the mail with 'THE FESTIVE SEASON IS UPON US' written in bold 72-point font, or perhaps I should have paid attention to all the twinkling lights, glistening decorations and vomit inducing Christmas carols along with my rising sense of dread…Now it all makes sense!"

After many years of disastrous yuletide socializing, I offer you what little I've learned.
For a time I battled against the tide with a strategy of Bah-humbug! but that just led to people asking why I felt that way or trying to change my mind…if I wanted to change my mind I'd go to a bloody social worker wouldn't I?
No, I suggest you do not try to spread the Bah-humbug virus but instead devise a strategy to arm yourself sensibly against the most stupid conversations you will endure all year.

Christmas, as you know is not just about peace, goodwill and needless spending. In Australia, Christmas is also about binge drinking, emotional desperation and saying things just for the sake of it. "Merry Christmas", "Happy new year" "Peace be upon you" (I could go on but I'm already feeling the phlegm rise)
Intoxication, libido and meaningless greetings conspire to erode the normal social conversation into a suffocating pile of sticky despair.

There are a number of ways to manage these conversations. First you could select an option I have found effective and become a recluse around the end of November, only venturing out when your stocks of dog food get low. I understand the need and can survive on dry bread and black coffee but the dogs get all funny and start eyeing off my legs when confronted by an empty food bowl. Besides the Christmas season gets longer year by year with decorations seemingly appearing just after Easter now, at this rate I would have become a full time recluse….

For a time I wrote and rehearsed well worn conversation pieces that I could bring up and chat away without having to disturb my brain hardly at all, but people get suspicious when you say the same thing every time you see them year after year; or answer their sad story about the recent passing of the family dog with "That’s great, hope the rest of your Christmas goes as well, Bye now!"

The best strategy I've found is to join them. Remember the old saying? If you cant beat them, join them.
Popular and simple to execute, this solution is as easy as beginning each festive conversation as though it were written by an enthusiastic, drunk and horny Hallmark employee and then, becoming both drunk and horny yourself. Most of you will find those last two requirements quite easy to fulfill. Further I suggest you begin binge drinking around November 1 and don’t stop until the end of February. . . at least!