Thursday, April 22, 2010

Guide to the Personals




Like most of us I’m a keen observer of human behavior, though that’s not to say that I actually understand it any better than anyone else.
I understand men well enough but there’s two points to that…
Firstly I’m not actually interested in men…
Second, they’re not actually that hard to understand anyway. It’s like saying that I completely know how to open a chip packet…yeah, brag on!
I’m also extremely skeptical, so although I read them, I’ve never actually answered one of those personal adverts in newspapers. No, not the ‘Beautiful woman looking for a good time for a small cash reward’ type advert… the other kind…and it seems that those women are all looking for the same bloke.

They're all into gardening, cooking and the arts, they all like walks/drives in the country, cozy nights in front of the fire, going to the theatre… and men.
Let me be a little more specific here, they like non smoking, non drinking, employed, healthy professional men with their own hair, no ties and lots of spare time.

Could it be that all these ads are placed by just one deranged field dwelling, log burning, stagedoor groupie who entices desperate men away from their mothers only to discard them like the little bits of left over soap that you think you can collect and squidge together into a whole bar again, but never can, and end up throwing away just before Christmas when your folks come to visit?

Having read quite a lot of these ‘interesting’ ads I'm beginning to understand the code in which they are written. Here then is a guide to personal ads, a cheat sheet that you will no doubt print and keep in your wallet.

Active- collects her own pension
Adaptable- desperate
Athletic- flat chest, big legs
Alternative- all her tattoos are spelt wrong
Balanced- still experimenting with the dosage
Charming- good at spells
Curvaceous- has not seen her feet in years
Easygoing- no taste or discretion whatsoever
Honest- done time
Independent- no friends
Lively- caffeine addicted
Loyal- stalker
Mature- smells of moth balls
Outgoing- no fixed abode
Petite- anorexic
Romantic- looks better in low light
Sensual- given to excess
Sexy- would like to be..
Sensitive- has unidentified rash
Voluptuous- more Chins than a Chinese phonebook
Warm- sweats a lot
Well traveled- wanted by the police
Young at heart- pacemaker still working well
Zany- wears different colored socks

3 comments:

Princess L said...

Tempo- You should be writing somethere professionally. You are hysterical.

Jen said...

My socks are supposed to match?

Tempo said...

Hi Princess, Thank you very much for the complement, I write because I like writing... to be read by interested/interesting people is reward enough.

Hello Jen, Short answer, no! not really. Being a bloke I've found an easy way around this whole sock problem...I buy many pairs of the exact same socks, if I lose one...whose to know!