Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I don't remember being absent minded?

Its about getting old…not very, very old (crumbly) just plain ordinary old (wrinkly)
I don’t remember when all this happened to me, it’s not like it was sudden or anything…but one morning I woke up, went to the bathroom and when I looked into the mirror I finally looked just like my drivers license picture.

I started thinking about being old a few weeks ago when I went to the mall, parking the car as usual, then I started the long hike to the shops (uphill both ways) but when it took a couple of tries to get over the speed hump I suddenly realized I was getting old… these days it’s my doctor that cautions me to slow down instead of the police and I no longer consider speed limits as a challenge… old!

My friends are all in the same boat…I don’t have to worry about them telling my secrets because they can’t remember them either. You know you're getting old when you no longer care where your spouse goes so long as you don’t have to go along. . Or when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection..

Recently I went with friends on a historical sites pilgrimage of the area, I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I remember when some of these places were being built…I even remember when the dead Sea was only sick !

Of course there is an upside to getting old…Its pretty easy to stay happy when your idea of a good night out is sitting on the patio with your hot chocolate, or when ‘Happy Hour’ is a nap. These days’ getting lucky means finding my car in the mall parking lot, and there’s nothing left to learn the ‘hard way’.

As you get older my young readers you will learn many new things, some of them profound and life changing and most of them kind of dull and boring, but having learned all the answers I find that nobody is asking the questions. I've finally got my head together only to find that my body is falling apart, but at least my supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size..

I went to school to become a wit, but only got halfway through!
Talking with my rapidly diminishing supply of friends over the past few weeks I have to tell you that all reports are in…Life is now officially unfair.

Finally, I have several thoughts for you, some need answers that never came...and some are things you can live by. (good luck telling the difference)

If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...

All said and done now?!

Of course not! The other thing you should know about old people is that they like to talk you into a near lifeless stupor..
Ill leave you with something to ponder then…

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Jen said...

Hot chocolate on the porch sounds pretty good to me.

There's always something left to learn the hard way...

Princess L said...

Tempo, why aren't you writing a column somewhere? Don't they have newspapers in Australia? You'd be huge in America! (Trust me, people can use a good laugh here.)

mapstew said...

Thank for cheering up a geezer who is feeling very old today! :¬)

gaf85 said...

Tempo, I'm a first time visitor to your very humorous blog. I read your post about being old before I read your profile. Dude, forty something is not old! I also enjoyed your guide to the personals. I think you hit the nail right on!

Tempo said...

Jen, If hot chocolate on the porch sounds good it's because age is creaping ever so imperceptibly up on you...sorry!

Princess,I do write a column...here and for you. Everyone is funny here in Oz, you have to be very, very funny to get anywhere.

Mapstew, I know just how you feel my old friend. I was feeling pretty damn old when I wrote this piece...can you tell?

gaf85, Hi and welcome. Like all comedy it's a whole lot funnier if theres a grain of truth to the story, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Good Post. I laughed then went for my tenth pee break this morning.

Pearl said...

And never trust a man named "Shifty".


Tempo said...

Hi Cal, Is it cold where you are or what? (maybe youre drinking too much coffee) in anycase it's always good to make someone laugh...unless they laugh because you fell on your ass.

Hi ya Pearl, I'll add that to my list of names not to be trusted. Thats 304 names now...