Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I don't remember being absent minded?

Its about getting old…not very, very old (crumbly) just plain ordinary old (wrinkly)
I don’t remember when all this happened to me, it’s not like it was sudden or anything…but one morning I woke up, went to the bathroom and when I looked into the mirror I finally looked just like my drivers license picture.

I started thinking about being old a few weeks ago when I went to the mall, parking the car as usual, then I started the long hike to the shops (uphill both ways) but when it took a couple of tries to get over the speed hump I suddenly realized I was getting old… these days it’s my doctor that cautions me to slow down instead of the police and I no longer consider speed limits as a challenge… old!

My friends are all in the same boat…I don’t have to worry about them telling my secrets because they can’t remember them either. You know you're getting old when you no longer care where your spouse goes so long as you don’t have to go along. . Or when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection..

Recently I went with friends on a historical sites pilgrimage of the area, I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I remember when some of these places were being built…I even remember when the dead Sea was only sick !

Of course there is an upside to getting old…Its pretty easy to stay happy when your idea of a good night out is sitting on the patio with your hot chocolate, or when ‘Happy Hour’ is a nap. These days’ getting lucky means finding my car in the mall parking lot, and there’s nothing left to learn the ‘hard way’.

As you get older my young readers you will learn many new things, some of them profound and life changing and most of them kind of dull and boring, but having learned all the answers I find that nobody is asking the questions. I've finally got my head together only to find that my body is falling apart, but at least my supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size..

I went to school to become a wit, but only got halfway through!
Talking with my rapidly diminishing supply of friends over the past few weeks I have to tell you that all reports are in…Life is now officially unfair.

Finally, I have several thoughts for you, some need answers that never came...and some are things you can live by. (good luck telling the difference)

If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...

All said and done now?!

Of course not! The other thing you should know about old people is that they like to talk you into a near lifeless stupor..
Ill leave you with something to ponder then…

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Guide to the Personals

Like most of us I’m a keen observer of human behavior, though that’s not to say that I actually understand it any better than anyone else.
I understand men well enough but there’s two points to that…
Firstly I’m not actually interested in men…
Second, they’re not actually that hard to understand anyway. It’s like saying that I completely know how to open a chip packet…yeah, brag on!
I’m also extremely skeptical, so although I read them, I’ve never actually answered one of those personal adverts in newspapers. No, not the ‘Beautiful woman looking for a good time for a small cash reward’ type advert… the other kind…and it seems that those women are all looking for the same bloke.

They're all into gardening, cooking and the arts, they all like walks/drives in the country, cozy nights in front of the fire, going to the theatre… and men.
Let me be a little more specific here, they like non smoking, non drinking, employed, healthy professional men with their own hair, no ties and lots of spare time.

Could it be that all these ads are placed by just one deranged field dwelling, log burning, stagedoor groupie who entices desperate men away from their mothers only to discard them like the little bits of left over soap that you think you can collect and squidge together into a whole bar again, but never can, and end up throwing away just before Christmas when your folks come to visit?

Having read quite a lot of these ‘interesting’ ads I'm beginning to understand the code in which they are written. Here then is a guide to personal ads, a cheat sheet that you will no doubt print and keep in your wallet.

Active- collects her own pension
Adaptable- desperate
Athletic- flat chest, big legs
Alternative- all her tattoos are spelt wrong
Balanced- still experimenting with the dosage
Charming- good at spells
Curvaceous- has not seen her feet in years
Easygoing- no taste or discretion whatsoever
Honest- done time
Independent- no friends
Lively- caffeine addicted
Loyal- stalker
Mature- smells of moth balls
Outgoing- no fixed abode
Petite- anorexic
Romantic- looks better in low light
Sensual- given to excess
Sexy- would like to be..
Sensitive- has unidentified rash
Voluptuous- more Chins than a Chinese phonebook
Warm- sweats a lot
Well traveled- wanted by the police
Young at heart- pacemaker still working well
Zany- wears different colored socks

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Aussie Road Trip

Let me take you on a road trip, I have to travel far inland to pick up some things, drop a key off then return home.

I guess most of our overseas friends wont know much about this part of the Great Southern Land, so I will start by saying that I live in a city on the sea in South Australia.
The car bonnet you see is that of a Ford Falcon XB GS and all these pics were taken at 110km/hr (75mph) which is, of course our open road speed limit. Buckle up and enjoy the ride.

It’s true to say that there are a lot of straight bits of road here, with the occasional corner just to see if you're still paying attention, this is not the same bit of road over and again and there is no Photoshop involved at all.

Not much to see for most of the trip, occasionally of course, road trains! This one only had three trailers but some tow up to five.

These trees might look large and healthy but they are Mallee trees which have a tuberous root system and store water from one sparse rain till the next, it rained here a few months ago so there are lots of new bright leaves.

I've traveled this road hundreds of times (I kid you not) and know every bump and straight bit… but there's a corner coming up.
Come on and practice it with me in your head…. right a bit, left a bit.. not too much now! Right a bit, left a bit… that’s it, once more… Right a bit, left a bit… ( you only get one shot at this!)

Made it….Whew!

Straight down the road and straight into town…

The Galahs grow pretty big out here… and the sign says it all. ‘Half Way Across Australia’ (right in the middle of nobloodywhere)

I've been in town for a half hour and so I turn and head home…

There's a highlight some where here…a river! (don’t blink or you’ll miss it) In the 35 years I've been traveling this road I’ve never seen it flowing, though I once saw a few puddles in it after some very heavy rain.

To give you some idea how tough conditions are out here, all these young Myall trees grew after the last great flood in 1974. The wood is so hard you cant cut it with a chainsaw but some of the bigger ones you see in these pics were here before settlement (200 years+)

And what would a road trip be without a cop parked somewhere catching speeding motorists. This one was 100km from the nearest town, no doubt hoping someone would give him a chance to see how fast his supercharged 5litre would go.

Turns out the trip was for nothing… time and petrol wasted. Oh well!

Sunday, April 11, 2010


If you ever feel like self combusting out of sheer frustration while trying to work out how women feel about us? Bear in mind that they have to deal on a daily basis with all us card carrying members of the Todger Club.
No wonder they get split ends.

Here then is a chance to put ourselves in their shoes.
(have you noticed how their shoes give great definition to the calves, although I find the toes pinch a bit. I do think they need to make them a bit stronger though, there’s nothing more embarrassing than losing a heel halfway through doing the actions for YMCA)

So here for the women in our lives…

Ive never fallen in love, but Ive stepped in it a few times..

I prefer a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, instead of the contents of his nose..

If they can send a man to the moon, why cant they send them all?

He said his body was a temple…so I gave him a donation to the restoration fund..

When I ask a man to give me a ring, I’m talking diamonds..

Strange how pigs don’t turn into men when they’ve had a drink..

Men are like Swiss Army Knives. You think they’d be handy, but you only ever use the one attachment..

Men are like public toilets. Vacant, Engaged or full of crap..

Men are only good for two things, but you have to let them sleep eight hours in between..

How come you start off sinking into a man’s arms, and end up with your arms in his sink?

How many men does it take to clean a toilet? As if!

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough..

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes..

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window..

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name..

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

International Chocolate Induced Hyperactivity Day

Yes, welcome to the day formally known as ‘Easter’, a day when our already overstuffed children are encouraged to stuff themselves with a months worth of sweets and chocolate and run amok.
My own family is so large that just one chocolate egg from every relative is enough to bring about a sugar seizure lasting several days, it adds up to about half a bucket of chocolate for each child.
Last year we started some unofficial family rules… just one SMALL piece of chocolate for each child from each relative and no chocolate for we adults…who are all battling with our weight.
Modern kids don’t even know what Easter is about…and don’t care... To be more accurate, the kids think Easter is about chocolate and sweets and don’t care about anything else.
This morning D3 (3rd daughter) asked me who invented our modern Easter and why is it about rabbits and chocolate. (good question!)
I suspect it was ‘invented’ by the big chocolate makers and supermarkets…but why Rabbits and Chocolate?
If you want a symbol of rebirth why not the Butterfly? Cocooned as an ugly grub and reborn as a beautiful, colorful butterfly.

The rabbit should surely be the universal sign of overpopulation.

Modern Australians are not a religious lot, in fact since the recent sexual exploitation by clergy and the churches lack of leadership on this issue our Gen Y young adults are perhaps the least religious people on earth.

So where to from here? Cancel Easter…and Christmas. I don’t think the big chocolate makers would stand for that…do you?

Thursday, April 1, 2010



..They’re not like us.

In fact they’re SO not like us, I’m amazed they have anything to do with us at all.
If you’re going to try to connect with them, it’s best you know a little about what makes them tick..


Ok, we’ll come back to that one.
In the meantime, here are a few observations about female behavior, taken from a detailed survey carried out in a local mens hospital ward.

1. They like men to be strong, silent types who can freely discuss complex emotional issues. (WTF)
2. They try to teach babies to talk by talking like a baby.
3. They never fart, belch or sweat. (that cant be good for them eh?)
4. They kiss and hug when meeting, even if they hate each others guts.
5. Ladies don’t like jokes about being fat.
6. They cant throw when playing games but are deadly accurate during an argument.
7. They don’t understand that, “Uhuh, mmm.” Means, “ I am in total agreement with everything you just said.”
8. More than three men is a pig-fest. More than three women is a sisterhood.
9. They always pretend not to want desert…then eat yours.
10. They run funny.
11. They have not worked out that if we listen to anyone for more than two minutes we switch to our default settings.
12. They have only one real master…and that is chocolate.
13. They don’t understand why curtains don’t excite us.

Of course none of this helps us at all. We are still no wiser or able to predict what they will do or say, or when they are going to hit us.

Part of what makes them so difficult to understand is the way they change from one minute to the next. This makes it very hard to generalize about them.
However, the truth is that women are all the same…

..but not at the same time.