A little of this and that, not too much of some things and way too much of other things...
Monday, June 11, 2012
*** MAN RULES ***
*** MAN RULES ***
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the
ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A
STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a
sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A
manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop
your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the
table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one
fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and
striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an
iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look
10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you
need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag?
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you.
It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk
However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to
the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations,
you are now your dad.
14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT
200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later
but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS
THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the
point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See
18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can
Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields
in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a
fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.