Monday, June 11, 2012

*** MAN RULES ***

*** MAN RULES ***

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
 
 
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11 comments:

magsx2 said...

Hi Tempo,
These are great. Lol
My favouites:
4 - 5 - 11 - 12 - 17 and of course 22 is spot on.

Windsmoke. said...

All of these are great but the Long Man-Sized Poo one at the end really cracked me up :-).

Tempo said...

Hi Mags, as usual there are some beauties and an assortment of utter lies...I dont do any of those things!
Hi Windsmoke, I've had flatmates that tied up the loo for almost a half day, partly because it took a great deal of time before they left the room and partly because it took quite some time before you could bear to enter it. (the rule of thumb is that it's safe to enter if your eyes dont water when you walk past the open door)

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Epic.

DON'T however, on any account mix 22 and 10.

Methane production and fags don't mix. (Well to be truthful, they do, explosively)

Tempo said...

Hi TSB, Theres a time honored way to clean out spiders etc from old outback dunnies, it involves screwing up half a news paper, lighting one end and throwing it cautiously down the long drop. There are many stories about exploding toilets and spattered people...

River said...

#1, I can open my own jars, don't need a man for that.
#4, I often sharpened my school pencils with my dad's pocket knife, then I bought my own pocket knife, but the teacher said I couldn't bring it to school.
#14, winking turns women to putty? Well, that depends very much on who is doing the winking.
#18, my daughter is great at parallel parking, she's an excellent driver.
#21, I know the difference between a phillips head and a flathead screwdriver, but if there are other kinds, I'm screwed.

Joe Pereira said...

Bloody funny and so so true :)

Tempo said...

hi River, when it comes down to it I guess we can all do without the opposite sex but think of all the fun youre missing..(fun and hassles and arguments and stress..OK so maybe relationships do suck!)
Hi Joe, glad you liked them mate.

Adorabibble said...

I love these.

Pearl said...

:-) I'd never heard most of these, but am especially enjoying the "want stuffing"? and the realization that you've morphed into your dad...

I get the feeling I'd laugh a lot in Australia...

Pearl

Tempo said...

Hi Shan, Good to see you popping by, I hope they gave you a laugh.
Hey Pearl, Australia is very much Americas younger (poorer) brother. Our forefathers all left England together around the same time, if you had money you headed the more expensive route to the USA and if you had only a little money you came to Australia. It broke up families but it turns out we have a mixture of very similar peoples. Australia would love your sense of humor Pearl and you'd love Australia.