Monday, May 21, 2012

Jingle Bells

A few weeks ago I went to a mates birthday party a few hundred km down the coast at a little seaside town where he owns a plot of land. The new house is not yet started but the important bits are already there, the huge shed with the huge boat, the caravan for holidays and the carport under which I was to be assaulted later.

But I should start at the party.. 
Starting around midday with a few beers and a few mates getting together to put up windbreaks, firedrums and such. Immediately a local woman showed up to chat, she lived nearby apparently and was obviously bored with living in such a small place. The area has many retirees from the big cities who think life will be awesome living on the coast in a tiny, tiny town with nothing to do.
She was nice to talk to, if you could get a word in, so I spent a good part of the afternoon idly chatting with her.
She hung around pretty much all day and as the people started arriving and the drinks flowing she  started budging drinks off anyone she could. I noticed some of the blokes who knew her were deliberately getting her drunk by making sure she always had a full glass. I've seen that done when you want someone asleep in a chair, quiet and out of the way nice and early so I figured this was what I was seeing.

It was several hours until I saw her again, she was across the other side of the carport endlessly talking to people who'd long since lost the will to live. She was pissed and LOUD, and immediately she saw me she threw her hands up and headed my way. There was nowhere to hide so I started to ask "How are you going now?" but I only got to "H" before her tongue was down the back of my throat and her hand was down the front of my pants…  all in front of about 80 people who immediately fell into fits of laughter.

It's not like women haven't done that before, girlfriends and the wife who obviously had certain rights in that regard, and never , hardly ever, only occasionally in public.
But having a near stranger jingle my bells like that was quite a shock, and not in a good way. Seriously just who polishes the family jewels in public like that and what part of the country did she come from where a French Handshake is considered a normal greeting?
I had to insist she remove her hand and leave the contents where they were before going back to my drinking to try to suppress the memory. A few drinks later and I was far less the damaged goods but it's going to take a few more Scotches to dull that particular nightmare…

Not only that but her fingernails could do with a trim..


Saturday, May 19, 2012

Like yours!

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. ‘Well, it was like this,’ said the man. ‘I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its ass. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when I made my mistake.’
‘What did you do?’ asks the doctor.
‘Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ ‘


1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.

Friday, May 18, 2012


·   Our boyfriends' clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
·   We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
·   We can cry and get off speeding fines.
·   Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
·   We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
·   Free drinks, free dinners.
·   We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.
·   We can hug our friends without wondering if we're gay.
·   It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
·   We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
·   If we forget to shave, no-one has to know.
·   We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her bum.
·   If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
·   We don't have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
·   If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
·   We don't have to memorize Jackass or The Simpsons to fit in.
 ...and finally:
If we marry someone twenty years younger, we're aware that we look dumb.

Author unknown 

(but very funny, though it does make me jealous)


Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Plague

When Australia does something we do it all the way, even Plagues!

Since the mid 1700's we have had several Mouse Plagues a century, I lived through one in the late 1970's. At the time my Mother had a house in the outback grain belt town of Kimba and I spend many weeks a year out there helping her keep the expansive yard and garden. When the Autumn mouse plague swept through the area I went especially to see it. The mice ate every plant in the yard and even stripped the bark from the trees, they ate anything made of paper or cotton, they even ate the plastic off house wiring causing many fires.

Of course everyone baited the mice but then the cats, birds and reptiles all ate the poisoned mice and they died to. Some dogs and even hawks and Eagles ate sick reptiles and birds and died a. Cats that killed but did not eat mice got so sick of killing that they would lay there bored, as mice ran right next to them...and how many mice were there?

If you lifted a sheet of roofing iron laying on the ground there would be several hundred mice under it. (and often a bloated snake unable to move from it's full belly)
My mother set up a 44 gallon drum with a beer bottle fixed hanging over the edge, the drum was partly filled with water to drown the mice that fell into the open top and the bottle was made slippery with fat or butter. I was quite sure it would catch exactly nothing….

The next morning it had two buckets full of dead mice in it, they were so desperate for food they ventured out on the bottle to lick the fat off, eventually they slipped off. In fact that drum had at least one bucket full of mice every morning until we tired of scooping the bodies out and carrying them away to the local tip. After nearly two weeks we removed the bottle and even then it had many dead mice every morning as they tried to get the water to drink, fell in and drowned. I ended up turning the drum over so I didn't have to clean it out every day.
That year there was no crop of any kind, no vegetables in the gardens, no flowers, nothing. This went on until the cold winter froze and starved them off in staggering numbers, the smell of a decaying mouse still makes me feel sick from the remembering.
The last mouse plague was 2011, it was bad in some places but we saw very little of it here, the government supplied farmers with thousands of tonnes of poisons in affected areas to stop the plague before it got too bad. I only killed a few hundred that invaded my shed…


Saturday, May 5, 2012


This week we return to an old favorite of mine, WOMEN; or rather the gender gap and the ongoing conflict between the sexes. 
Lets be honest here, men and women just dont think the same, so this week I give you a key to the secret meanings of common words as seen by the two sexes.
Butt (but) n.
FEMALE: The part of the body that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
MALE: What you slap when someone's scored a goal. Also useful for mooning.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
FEMALE: A desire to get married and raise a family.  
MALE: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
FEMALE: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 
MALE: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
FEMALE: A good movie, concert, play or book.  
MALE: Anything that can be done while drinking.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
FEMALE: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
MALE: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

 Making love (may-king luv) n.
FEMALE: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. 
MALE: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
FEMALE: Any part under a car's hood. 
MALE: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
FEMALE: Fully opening up emotionally to another.
MALE: Riding a motorbike without a helmet.