Don’t upset your wife
A Police Officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir".
The driver says, "Gee, Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating".
Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control".
As the Officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did".
As the Officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The Officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine".
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see Officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket".
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving".
And as the Police Officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The Officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?".
"Only when he's been drinking, Officer."
The talking Frog
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."
The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nahhhhhhh....., at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."